I Caught Myself Growing

As you can see I have resigned to the idea of blogging about my journey to his and her sinks on a regular basis. I want my sentiments to be shared from an authentic and inspiring place and the only way that can happen for me in this forum, is through spontaneity. Basically, I can only write it when I really feel it. Tonight is one of those nights. I am catching up on my DVR recordings and in watching my new favorite show on Lifetime (I’m such a f*ckin woman, right), The Conversation I caught myself in the act of personal growth. One of the questions asked on the show was would you want to be your own friend. I immediately answered to myself, “F*ck Yeah!”! Then my very next thought was, “Really, Ashleigh? You would? I didn’t know that about you!” If  I or anyone else had asked me this question a year ago, I would have had a slightly different  and indifferent response like, “maybe” or “under what circumstances?” I just witnessed my mind and self-truth shift  in a milli-second and noticed that I have truly evolved since I last took inventory of my self worth, but it was not until this very moment that I questioned it that I actually activated my own growth. You see, for the past year, I have really had to work on my sense of self and was in a much more desperate place a year ago. I doubted my very own worth and was challenged with feeling like I could ever feel some resolve about who I wanted to be and didn’t even feel up to the task of being enough of myself. Now, I am so far ahead of that, thank the Lawd! I didn’t realize until now how this even happened but it’s a credit to the fact that I have had to become a more open and accepting woman. It has taken me having some fierce conversations with friends and revealing truths about myself that I thought I never had the gumption to confess. I pushed myself and was forced in many ways (due to a health scare) to do so and for it, I have realized that as soon as I was willing to be imperfect and realize that I am without a doubt imperfect, I arrive at my worth. This alone qualifies me worthy. Without flaws I really have no way of knowing how well I am doing or who I can be. But in knowing that I am not perfect, I am forced to uncover and qualify what in fact I am worth. I now know that I am worthy because despite everything I am not, I still am. For that reason, I’d definitely want to be my own friend. I’d definitely want to be my own wife. I’d definitely want to be my own mother. As I continue to pursue my journey towards the things that I want most, I proclaim that I am worthy of all of these things which inevitably means that I will have them, one day. Five minutes ago I didn’t know this about myself but I am so grateful that I caught myself growing and that I could share this precious moment with you. There’s no turning back now.

Worst Date Ever

This post is long, long overdue but here it goes. This summer I attended a friend’s event, The Polka Dot Cruise. It was a black and white theme boat ride party full of young, fashionable, party people of the African diaspora. It was here that I’d meet the guy that would take me out on
the worst date ever.

Like It’s My Last

Today I saw something that inspired me so much that I had the audacity to write a blog post! Go me! Seeing as how I haven’t written anything in over a month I was so excited to finally have something to share. Today I was digging through Paul Carrick Brunson’s Facebook page after seeing some photos of an event he did in Chicago with Tamar Braxton and her husband. One post lead to another and I found the most special, sweetest, romanticest (yes, it’s a word), flyest, funnest, most gorgeous wedding video ever. Apparently, there’s a such thing as wedding video trailers that document weddings in a very cinematic way. Brilliant right?! Because I love, love,  weddings and discovering new ideas, you are about to see why this video and this couple made my day. Watch and fall in love…..

AMAZING right?! You can just feel the excitement and joy of this wedding and the couple’s relationship. Not to mention this couple is absolutely stunning. The video is so crisp, clean, and precise with lots of attention to detail. I love that the concept is so non-traditional and hip with Big Sean as the theme music, but it still preserves the humility and emotion of the wedding day. This is such a genius idea and I just hope that the company sticks around to produce a wedding trailer for my someday traditional Nigerian wedding. Ahhh, love……

Here is a little bit of information about the company Merge Studios Social from their website.

“Merge Social is a group of the most talented young and creative filmmakers in South Florida lead by Award Winning Creative Director, Julien Diaz. Merge Studios Social has innovated a new style of covering wedding and social events, applying many of the same techniques used in producing commercial work and documentary programming. Our documentary approach is paired with cinematic film elements stemming from our passion to create beautiful imagery. Our goal is to capture incredible cinematography and emotion using a modern style and look.”

Tags: I'm Just A Girl, inspiration, Marriage, Romance and Lovely Things, weddings

I Need Someone

Hello blog world. I’m back! I won’t burden you with excuses about my lack of posts so enjoy me while I’m here. As busy as I am, this is just as much a privilege for me as it hopefully is for you. Today, I am excited to have some sort of romantic inspiration to speak of.

Last week I was browsing through my Tumblr dashboard I came across this sweet little list:

Tags: Compatability, I Aint Ready, I'm Just A Girl, Lists, Marriage, she's gotta have it

In Love With Beyonce

Beyonce “1+1″

Make love to me…when my days look low, pull me in close and don’t let me go.
Make love to me…so that when the worlds at war, that our love heal us all
Help me let down my guard, make love to me

Beyonce and her musical talent inspire and motivate me like no other. For the past 3 weeks I haven’ t had the mental clarity to even finish an entire post, but add a new Beyonce ballad to the mix and suddenly I am renewed and invigorated with inspiration.  If I were to go into the nuances of why I adore Beyonce so adamantly you’d probably never read my blog again for fear that my delusions are influential or that I am a part of the illuminati, so I won’t go into the details of my special relationship with her. What I will do is attempt so accentuate the way in which her passion, her voice, and presence inspire me to realize the truth about love. Of course I fantasize and romanticize what her marriage to Jay must be like, but that’s not what really inspires me to love. It’s the way she is. I can see that she is love. She lives love. She has love. It has always been apparent to me as evidenced by her grace and humility as a performer that she is ultimately confident and self-possessing, but it’s when she sings songs like this and LIKE this:  

….that make me realize the presence of love in one’s life, -true committed love- must be worth the risks assumed.  

For the chance to be able to love like the words felt at the sound and energy of her phenomenal voice…. I honestly can’t imagine. To be able to feel the love I feel her exuding and expressing in this song in essence of not so much what she is saying, but what she feels is inspiring. I can tell the words are meaningful to her and the emotion is undeniably raw.  The song 1+1 is somehow bare yet so dense and vivid in its portrayal of love. The power of her expression makes  me wonder just how much more intense it would be to actually feel that depth of love for myself. When I listen to her sing this, I feel like I get closer to the love, compassion, and romance I desire for my life. Afterall, isn’t that what music is? Love. *Beyonce personifies love for me.  I am not only in love with her, but in love with her. It’s impossible not to be. I am truly inspired!

*except she’s not a man and you can understand the obvious discrepancy with that, but yeah!

 

Tags: I'm Just A Girl, inspiration, Love, R&B

Coming to Conclusions

Since my last post, I have had a lot of time to think about where I am at with my readiness to be romantically involved again and in doing so I have come to many conclusions. Afterall, I haven’t posted in 3 weeks so let’s hope that I have  used my time engaging in at least a thinking process. It’s surely not the first time, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s not going to be enough for me to simply submit to my readiness and admit to the toils of being emotional unavailable. I know I want to be ready but I am not really taking seriously the idea of changing my state of mind or my status as single. I like being single, but I also know that at some point it will get old and if I don’t start to work toward companionship now, I will be old. And lonely. And unfulfilled perhaps. I don’t know exactly what the best case scenario is for being single all one’s life. I imagine it has advantages but I am not interested in running this sort of social experiment with my own life. 

Consistency is Key and I’m Locked In

Sorry again for anyone I leave disappointed in finding that my blog posts are inconsistent. I am still working to be consistent in this endeavor and plan to do a better job, really. Afterall, blogging once a week about my journey to HisandHerSinks is the least I can do for my romantic life.  I guess these spotty posts are the outcome of setting the bar low in the first place though. *shrugs* Anyway, my lack of consistency is a big, elusive problem. 

Consistency is something I lack and take for granted in general yet it is the key to success in almost every endeavor that I have clearly been challenged by in life such as maintaining my weight, fitness, healthy relationships, balanced finances, and at the moment, my dreams of entrepreneurship.  I am finding it hard to stay focussed on my plan to develop a real entrepreneurial plan of action. I am just all over the place which is typical and even parallel to my inconsistent motivation and readiness to date again.

Weighting it Out

You all are my friends, right?

Ok, good! I only ask because this post is going to be a little more personal and revealing than some of the others.

Spring is here and Summer is drawing closer and I always get anxious about the body image issues that come with showing more skin and fitting into my more breezy, sun-friendly outfits. The last couple years I have gotten a little better at managing my summer body expectations (do you have those?) as I have grown more excepting of my flaws. It also helps that I am fairly active and fit so a balanced diet and exercise always keep me in line as long as I am consistent. My weight and physique are a work in progress so I have learned to do my best and forget the rest….for the most part.  Except when it comes to dating and my relationship with the opposite sex. I will not allow myself to date again until I am satisfied with my weight. I am just gonna weight or wait it out until my body is where I want it to be before I date again. 

Now, don’t scold me just yet and tell me how immature, rigid, unhealthy, and self-defeating this is. I have already been warned of the danger of this  resolution by a very good therapist and a friend but honestly the only problem I have with waiting is that I don’t know exactly what satified with my weight looks like or when it will hapen. That’s the bigger issue in my opinion.

I’m Thinking About Writing a Blog Post

So yeah, I have been either too busy to write in the last couple weeks or just to mentally unprepared to do so. Doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about some things.

I had a really great discussion with my friend Christina about commitment and my fear of it. She is married and of course had alot of insight to offer about me in the context of a relationship. I am coming to realize that getting myself completely together is probably the best thing I can do for myself in preparation for a true and meaningful relationship in the long run and even in the process of dating and selecting a mate.  It’s not just me being an insecure, stubborn, perfectionist. However, I am not sure what ready means and I feel that I need to know exactly what ready means for me. Of course there is never a perfect moment in time for anything but if I can come closest to where I wanna be before I start to get serious about even dating again, I really want to determine what that looks like! For starters I need to get over myself. My next post will be all about this in fact.

Other than that I came across this really profound quote about love yesterday. It’s from one of my favorite bloggers Cynthia from Addicted 2 Etsy. ”Love: It’s never completely easy but it shouldn’t be hard either.” Is that right?! This is a great guiding statement especially coming from a woman who is married. I’ve been thinking about what this means to me and how mysterious yet soothing this statement is.

I am still thinking about the idea of compromising my time and thinking of how I can be more carefree in that area. That will definitely be a challenge but I am up for it. So, there are lots of things on my mind and lots of tasks on my agenda so, for now I am just thinking. I will return shortly within the next week with a real post. Hope everyone is doing well.

Compromise My Time? I’ll Pass

The last couple weeks I feel that somehow and in some small way I have grown or taken a step in the right direction in terms of my motivation  to date. I know this because I actually gave my number to a couple of guys I’ve met. I’m not that interested in dating yet but thought why not? I should just see what they’re about and possibly make a new friend if nothing else. This rationale alone demonstrates growth for me because I usually don’t take risks with my time like that. Don’t get to excited because though I’ve grown a little, I have plateaued at the same time.

Over the last couple weeks these guys have called and/or texted me. We’ve exchanged pleasantries and made small talk, but I am just not interested in getting to know them any further. Perhaps it’s because I am just not feelin’ these particular dudes that much but I also haven’t really given them a chance either. At the same time, I don’t feel like giving them a chance! My time is so valuable to me and unless I’m absolutely positive you are going to contribute to it in a more positive and enriching way I cannot be bothered! I have to take care of my priorities: twisting my hair, marathon training, going to Trader Joe’s, organizing my Netflix que, figure out what my signature Spring sandals will be, reading my favorite blogs, listening to Pandora, browsing vintage finds on Etsy, searching for the perfect black clutch, making fashion collages from my latest issue of People Style, brainstorming my business ideas, organizing my thoughts, painting my nails. I can’t be taking time off from these things to get to know you and then you end up not being worth my time, then I’ll be pissed at myself and frustrated because that clutch I wanted is now sold out online! I’m good!