Reasons I’m Jealous of Married Women

3 Jan

 

"Every time I come around your city"... no bling!

Before I start writing let me say that it is not my intention to complain about being single or to express any sort of self-pity. I have thoroughly enjoyed my single life and am in no way trying to diminish it by saying what I am about to say but listen..

The more I think about being in a relationship again I do have to remind myself of all the things that were great about them. Most times I am reminded when talking to some of my close friends who are married or my sister who is engaged and I become jealous at times. Not the devious, Bible reference type of jealousy but , jealousy in a relationally-observant, self-reflective, inspirational kind of way. When I see other people reaping the benefit of something great, it inspires me and reminds me of the possibility. I am going to delve right into the dynamics of marriage while bypassing the significance of simple, unofficial, committed relationships (boyfriend-girlfriend, fiancés) but, I do so only because I hope that the ultimate outcome of my impending love life will be marriage. I can think of a ton of reasons I miss having a boyfriend but the idea of marriage is superior in my opinion. I’ve had boyfriends and know that that relationship status is attainable but the idea of marriage is somewhat beyond me and sometimes I get jealous of my married girlfriends. I’m not at all jealous because “those bitches have husbands and I’m still single” but, because…well, there are several reasons.

One being the idea of A Two Income Household- Heavy sigh…..These bitches increase (some more than double depending on how they marry) their annual salary just by being married. If they wanted to they could live off of one salary per year and save the rest for exotic vacations, designer handbags, a down payment on a house, designer coats, student loan debt, designer shoes, a business venture, or designer jewelry. This is one of the main reasons I am ready to say single life is for the effin’ birds. I need that 2 household income in my life! God was onto something when he created marriage. I get it!

They’ve Already Found The One. They no longer have to worry about when they’ll find the one and when they will start their own family. My romantic future is kinda like I’ve showed up for my dinner restaurant reservation but I can’t be seated until the entire party arrives. Guess I’ll enjoy the happy hour specials at the bar until the rest of my party shows up. No sense in wasting great opportunities but it sure would be nice to know if I anyone will actually be joining me, if I should have an appetizer for one, ask the hostess to decrease the party size or give up the table altogether. Ugh! I still have to consider marriage and child-bearing in the big grand scheme of my life and I’m not totally in control. It’s like a big question mark in my mind that I would like replaced with some answers soon…well I guess I can hold out 5 more years but what will that look like? Doesn’t that mean I should be dating now? Will I actually find the one? Too many effin critical questions going unanswered. It’s just not right!

They Inherit A New Family. If you read my post “Where Are You?” from last week you understand why this is appealing to me. My family gets on my last nerve sometimes and it would be nice to have an alternative. I am ready to start my own family and spare some of the awkward trips home and family drama. Being able to have a variety of close family and friends during the holidays and being able to set the pace of my own family is something I look forward to immensely. My married friends have more family options during the holidays and special occasions and when all else disappoints they have their husbands to lean on at the end of the day.

Shared Decision Making-You know how much nausea, how many hours and phone a friend calls, it took me at Home Depot just to pick the paint color for my living room? Excess! Sometimes I wish I didn’t have full decision-making power over my life. It’s just overwhelming at times. It would be nice to have someone to help buy a flat screen; decide which credit card balances to transfer; how many years to sign a lease for; AT&T or Sprint; Jimbo’s at 125th & Lenox or 125th and Amsterdam; scarf or no scarf. Gimme me a break!

They Get Laid Like It’s Their Job! It’s always an option! It’s compulsory! The hours between 12 am and 7 am should not be spent in bed alone for obvious biological reasons. Plus Dr. Oz says that the best time to have sex is 7a.m. Apparently, I am not maintaining my health well by being single.

Valentine’s Day and Birthdays Are Always Celebrated. Whether your significant other is deployed or off on business there is a moral obligation to celebrate these occasions however simple or elaborate. No longer having to feel like you have to take yourself out on a date or plan your own birthday celebration is something I am definitely looking forward to. I have missed the novelty and romance of Valentine’s Day dearly even though it is a capitalistic ploy that propagates romance and love as most sacred and best celebrated on the 14th day of February. I want to be one of those fools again dangit!

They’ve Got a Permanent Traveling Buddy. They always know who they are going to take trips with. They never have to selectively choose from a range of girlfriends, arrange schedules, select destinations, consider each other’s finances, deal with flakiness, or essentially, they never have to consider traveling alone.

They Have a Live-in Best Friend. Uncharacteristic of even the best of my friendships, their husbands are obligated to listen to them and make them feel better. It’s not an option for them to dismiss their feelings or decide they don’t want to hear about their day unless dissolution of marriage is a goal they’re shooting for.

Last but not least, The Ring! Done.

So, yes! I realize that I am being somewhat quixotic but at the end of the day I am single. I know that experiencing these things would make my life different but enjoyable in some ways. Just my thoughts. What do you married ladies think? Do I have it all wrong? Single ladies, did I miss anything or do you disagree with what I’m saying?

24 Responses to “Reasons I’m Jealous of Married Women”

  1. Bouvia January 3, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    Great post, first and foremost.

    You are correct about one of the perks being a two income household. That does help tremendously. Now whether or not both incomes will allow you to save for exotic trips, handbags, a downpayment on a house or car or whatever else your heart might desire all depends on the tax bracket the both of you are in. LOL. That’s just reality. Myself and my ex husband were both in the same tax bracket while we were in the military, and when we both got out and started contracting as civilians. So I was able to save money, buy handbags, give my son everything he wanted…and more.
    But it is also reality that things are more expensive when you are married or have a family vs single with no kids. Medical insurance is sky high, trips cost more (we had to pay for 3 tickets everytime we went somewhere. All the same price.) Food costs more, phone bills cost more, electricity costs more, and not to mention, depending on the decisions you made during the year financially…you could owe taxes,more taxes than before or not get any money back at all.
    Now…as far as “The one.” Some people might take offense to this comment, but it’s honest, and as you know, I don’t hold my tongue. I just keep it real. Just because two people are married to one another does not mean that they’ve found “the one.” The thing people have to realize about marriage is that you might find someone who is perfect for you at that time in your life, but as you grow and change (yes, everybody changes) as a person, that person may not be perfect for you anymore. The key to finding “the one” is finding someone that is in sync with you in every aspect. Make sure that person wants the same things you want. Whether it be kids, to live overseas, to be a muslim…whatever. Love is patient…so keep that in mind. Love may not come immediately or stay indefinately…but if you’re patient it will come and it will bring you to become “one” with that other person. That should be the focus. Not finding “the one”, but becoming “one”.
    Inheriting a new family can be bittersweet. Before you marry anyone, ensure you meet their family and spend quality time with the ones your mate is closest to. Because when you marry someone, you marry into their family as well. Lord forbid you have some nosey, trifling messy family members to deal with. I’ve seen this break up alot of marriages as well. At the end of the day, no matter how much someone loves you….70% of the time, they are going to choose their family over you if they had to make a choice. Yeah, I know…you are the 30% right? But on the opposite side of the spectrum…inheriting another family can be a beautiful thing. Another set of parents and siblings who love you as if you were one of their own.Definately an alternative from your own family drama and a nice getaway every once in awhile.
    As far as the shared decision making…sorry to burst your bubble, but you’ll most likely be making the majority of the decisions after you’re married as you do now. Men could really care less about paint colors, clothes, details of a house or anything else. Now you would get some input on that large screen television though. :)
    The getting laid part is definately a plus. Not having to wait it out and feel somebody out to see if they’re into you or just want to get into you can be so exhausting at times. Whenever you want it, however you want it…it’s there when you need it. It’s also nice that you feel very comforatable with your husband. He knows your body like the back of his hand and you don’t have to teach him a thing. Oh and that big mole on your back that you can’t stand to show anybody doesn’t bother him at all! All your insecurities (yes, we all have them) are no longer relevant. Whew!
    I also agree with Valentine’s days and birthdays no longer feeling like a drab. I remember I was deployed in Kyrgyzstan and I recieved a package on Valentines day. I saw it was from my husband and I lit up. HE never disappointed on Valentines day. I always had a card with special words he wrote inside just for me,flowers chocoalte and great sex of course. Anyway, I opened up this box, and honey….there was a 2.5 carat gold diamond tennis bracelet inside! He had spent a couple thousand on it…I was so shocked. IT just came out of nowhere. IT couldn’t have come at a better time either. Seeing how I was deployed and was missing home and a little depressed. So those days are always special when you’re married.
    I agree with the permanent traveling buddy as well. No more getting upset because you want to go on vacation, but the only 2 girlfriends you care to travel with are not available. Ugh! You plan together and after awhile…you have the routine down packed. He checks the bags in…you carry the passports,itineraries and important documents etc..It’s a breath of fresh air.
    In my opinion, your best point. A livein best friend. This is the reason why alot of marriages don’t last. They are not best friends. They were never friends first. They just jumped into a relationship and five years later they’re still together and figure “It must be fate.” WRONG! You should know everything about this person. You know what makes them happy, you know what pisses them off. You know how they like their food, you know what they drink. You can tell something is wrong with them just by looking at them or noticing their behavior. You know what they’re thinking even when they don’t say anything at all.That’s the best part right there.
    The ring? Eh…not so much. Yeah it’s a “symbol of your love…” But in actuality, It’s mostly just to floss around to all the home wreckers and single women. LOL. It’s a nice accessory, but nothing worth really looking forward to as far as marriage is concerned.

    To sum it up, you are right on target with the two income household, getting laid, the holidays,a permanent traveling buddy & best friend. You’re on the right path my friend. I wish you the best of luck on your journey girl!

    And to those who will read my post and say “Who is she supposed to be….the oprah of marriage?” No. I have some experience though. Recently divorced, together for 7 years…married for 5. Take that, take that! LOL

  2. Natalie January 3, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    Good read, but I think in some way every person wants what they don’t have. If you have straight hair, you want curly hair and if you have curly hair you want straight hair. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Each person’s cookie crumbles differently and in it’s own time. ;)

    • hisandhersinks January 5, 2011 at 9:58 am #

      “That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Each person’s cookie crumbles differently and in it’s own time.” Love it! definitely looking forward to my journey! THanks for sharing!

  3. Xanthe January 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    Call me a cynic, but you seem to be a little optimistic about marriage. I’ve never been jealous of married women cuz I often secretly fear that their marriage is eventually gonna fall apart – only to cause heartache and possible financial debt (divorce is expensive), if not left barefoot and pregnant! ACK. Honestly, I think people nowadays don’t think long and hard about the realities of married life. And while marriage isn’t an exact science (and not all marriages are alike), I think there are only a lucky few in this world who can sustain a long and truly fulfilling union for the rest of their lives. The rest seem to be constantly searching “for the one” one too many times.

    • hisandhersinks January 3, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      I’m not dreaming that I will have a perfect marriage but that it will add value to my life.If analyzed all of the risks involved no one would ever do it including myself. My intent is just to highlight some of the perks of marriage.I plan to marry well not perfectly so havina live in best friend wont be a strech God-Willing.

    • MGR January 3, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

      I think more women search for “the one” than men because there is less pressure on most men to marry; and men are taught that they are not losing anything by marrying.

      For example, all our pre-marital and marital customs are generally based in religions that seem to value the women leaving to create a home with another family or man. Translating this to our current western society, it seems that women are afraid to give-up “something” and afraid they may not get anything or enough in return.

      Your view suggests that a lack of guarantee on your return (or “give-up”) keeps one from getting into marriage. This is true.

      I look at it this way: if today my husband and I lost every material possession, would we still want to weather the storm together? Our answer: yes. What we have today, we’ve build together in the last 6 years. If tomorrow our answer changes because of lack of feelings or loss of love or feelings for another, I wouldn’t regret being married to my husband. But, I will expect that he communicate openly and say he doesn’t want to be with me.

      It will hurt but I will not abandon my ability to love and be loved.

      The last two years, the first two years of our marriage have been thoroughly tested thanks to my lay-off right after our wedding and a diagnosis of cancer for my husband one month before our wedding. My husband-to-be told me that I had no obligation to marry him. I told myself (and him) that I couldn’t live without him and had already committed myself to being with him (years ago).

      Flashback further to when we discussed our next-step in our relationship (marriage) almost four years ago now, my husband (then boyfriend) made it clear that he could not promise me material wealth but plenty of happiness and richness of mind and heart.

      Our relationship seems natural in ways I can’t describe (well, kind of like breathing – I guess -sometimes you feel like you’ve taken-in too many pollutants and other times it feels light and fresh), but I’ve learned to distinguish the good from the bad and treat it accordingly.

      This doesn’t mean we don’t give each other space to be mad, dramatic, seek a little bit of space. What I’ve observed the most about our relationship this past year is that we’re not afraid to lose each other.

      • hisandhersinks January 9, 2011 at 12:48 am #

        “Our relationship seems natural in ways I can’t describe (well, kind of like breathing – I guess -sometimes you feel like you’ve taken-in too many pollutants and other times it feels light and fresh” <<<<Love this!

  4. MGR January 3, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Relationships should be analyzed more openly in our society. I think it’ll make us stronger.

    Marriage like any relationship is what you make of it.

    I was raised to want (and need marriage) as a badge of honor and an accepted institution within which to live and raise my own children. I have always wanted to be married but knew that marriage is not perfect or a symbol of ever-lasting love or commitment.

    My parents’ 30-year marriage fell apart when my father cheated on my mother (not once but thrice). I ventured into marriage happily because I learned from my parents that communication and honesty are a keys to any good relationship (even though they failed to practice it; but I like to think the effort was there).

    For some reason, some of us seem to lose that honesty and openness once we marry either because we begin to take the relationship for granted or because we forget to communicate (and expect our partner to read our minds).

    I should add that I was raised in an arranged marriage household where the families commit to one another as well. It takes more than just the couple to keep a family or their relationship together.

    My family (and my husband’s family) and our friends have all added to our growing relationship. They all recognize that marriage (like other relationships) require work; in that things are constantly happening, situations changing, families shrinking and growing all at once (with funerals, births, marriages).

    Above all else, I think in the most traditional sense marriage has provided me with a sense of security and serves as a source of strength. It is my third eye or third entity. My married relationship keeps me humble and dreaming at the same time.

    In the end, marriage like any other relationship is a risk; we should just feel good about taking the time and energy to experiment with it. With my own kids, I hope to not limit their sense of the world and relationships by labeling them because the whole world is our family. We need to stop basing our relationships in exclusion.

    • motherof3monsters January 3, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

      good and bad, love will conquor it all! Sweet story!

    • hisandhersinks January 9, 2011 at 12:44 am #

      “We need to stop basing our relationships in exclusion.” So poignant! Thank you for that. We could learn a lot more if we did so.

  5. FC January 3, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    Interesting. I would disagree with the ring, but I;m not a fan of bling. The default travel buddy, someone to cheer for and cheer you on and compulsory sex are big pluses. The best sex is the one you have with someone you know and can be trusting and open with.

    To be that open and committed is a huge risk- but that’s the potential reward. I’m a total commitment-phobe but a friend recently got engaged and she says that when you meet the right person, the fear and uncertainty will greatly reduce. Sounds like a good rule of thumb to me

    • hisandhersinks January 5, 2011 at 9:56 am #

      “The best sex is the one you have with someone you know and can be trusting and open with” Looking forward to this the most! Excellent insights and optimism.That’s what hisandhersinks is about. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Michelle January 3, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    It can be easy to look at marriage from the other side of the fence with rose-colored glasses, and yes, there are definitely advantages. I just have a few pragmatic responses that are kind of boring but very realistic.

    - Two income household. Yes, economies of scale. However, joint decisions on spending are more complicated than having to get approval from one person. Um, that’s kinda funny that you think that two people can live on only one person’s income and the rest is disposable income. It’s more like 1.5 people’s income to support two people. Small-ish other expense that comes with depending on each other’s income is life insurance. Also, financial planning as a couple is different than financial planning for two individual people. Everything becomes a household decision and planning rather than individual, like who gets to have further educational training and when and planning for children. There’s trust, faith, exchange, compromise, strategizing, maximizing time and resources, and hedging risks. There’s always the possibility of divorce, so there’s also risk management of that as well.

    - They’ve already found the one. Except for when you question whether this is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then you start weighing the costs and benefits of calling it quits with this one and trying to find someone else. As for not worrying about when to start a family, I know a ton of married couples who are in disagreement about when to start a family. Although yes, like you said, at least one factor on that path is taken care of — who to start a family with. However, sometimes you start a family with someone and then realize that you really should have found a different parenting partner. But now you’re stuck with this one for life. Co-parenting in a divorce is *more* involved than co-parenting in a marriage.

    - Inherit a new family. Sometimes you really don’t like your in-laws. Sometimes they are worse than your own family. Sometimes your in-laws hate you and will do crazy things to show how low they think you are, including trying to prove that you are abusing your child (yes, I have a friend who has this kind of in-law family). And sometimes it can be hard to manage the demands of both families. I also know a lot of married couples who do holiday lunch at one family, then drive a long distance to do holiday dinner at the other family. If they are not in the same state, sometimes this involves a lot of flying in a short period of time.

    - Shared decision making. Um, not fun when the other person completely disagrees with your preferences. Your spouse can also be the type who says, “I don’t care, you decide. Stop talking to me about it. Leave me alone to watch my football game.”

    - Getting laid. Haha, yes, married people do get laid more often than single people. However, if the relationship isn’t going well, it’s not exactly kosher to go find another partner. Also, if that person’s not in the mood (for months), sucks for you. Or if the partner isn’t so great at sex, um, you’re stuck with that for life. Also, I think many people will tell you that sex in year 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 of the relationship is different than sex in year 10 or 20 of the relationship.

    - Valentine’s Day and Birthdays are always celebrated. Hahaha! Yeah right. Only if you have partner who wants to celebrate. I have a lot of friends who wish their partner would celebrate on these days and are always disappointed when they don’t.

    - Permanent traveling buddy. Still have to arrange schedules, select destinations, consider finances (each of you may have different spending styles), deal with flakiness (he decides he doesn’t want to go after all). You may not even like his travel style and nor want him as a traveling buddy. My spouse and I face all of these issues.

    - Live-in best friend. Hahahaha! Obligated to listen and make them feel better, um, yeah, ask anyone who’s actually married for a few years. They’re not obligated to do anything. There are a lot of costs to divorce. Not just financial, but emotional, social, and opportunity cost in terms of time and energy invested. Plus, it’s not like there’s necessarily going to be someone “better” who you’ll actually meet and begin a relationship with. The pluses of any new person will have negatives that the previous person did not have.

    Also, consider that people change over time. You do too. Hopefully we all do grow and change over time rather than remain the same person, stunted. What happens when your spouse changes to become a person whom you do not love, nor even like, anymore? Or you’re both just different? Do you leave him? Would you want him to do that to you?

    Marriage is a lot of work. And 100 times more work when you add kids into the mixture. Unlike a kid, a marriage is not a permanent tie to the other person. A kid is. Like kids, however, marriage looks easier on the outside than it actually is. Also like kids, the rewards are irreplaceable.

    • Yana February 17, 2013 at 9:41 am #

      What a terrific, honest and mature response. I couldn’t agree with you more!

  7. motherof3monsters January 3, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

    Money issues! Sometimes life throws curveballs or 3! Sometimes what ya get is one income,one SAHM(stay at home mom) cause childcare is out the roof and 3 sweet little babies.

    New Family! Hahahaha LOVE this! It can be diffcult and will be adjusting to a “new family” but It can be a blessing also its kinda like marriage got to work on it:)

    Holidays! Over time they learn and the thought is always what counts anyway.Right!?

    • hisandhersinks January 5, 2011 at 9:55 am #

      I totally neglected the idea that some women give up their career either temporarily or permanently when children are considered so 2 income household may not always be an option.

  8. Starita34 January 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

    I LOVED this post. I feel you SO much!

    The reservation analogy was SPOT ON! (I retweeted it)

    I just try to enjoy the phase that I’m in right now though; because poopy diapers, frustrating husbands, and indignant teens have their downfalls too :-) (Not advice, just my way of enjoying the present…)

    • hisandhersinks January 5, 2011 at 9:53 am #

      I definitely am right there with you! soaking up all the joys of the present because I know one day I will have a different experience.

  9. Magda January 9, 2011 at 12:01 am #

    This will be short as you had me at two income household;) When I thought of marriage, I never had in mind the financial aspect of it.

  10. Regina December 5, 2011 at 12:00 am #

    No girl you hit it right on the nose. At least you have a family to spend holidays with. It just me and my seven year old son. No mom dad grandparents aunt unkles nieces nephew cousins brothers or sisters. So every year I break down crying privity.

    • queendom November 24, 2012 at 10:10 am #

      Spot on with EVERYTHING you said. You are NOT being too optimistic at all. Iv been married 8 years and everything you listed is true so long as you marry someone with great character that you are compatible with. My husband is my anchor. Marriage is the pillar of every strong community and for all the reasons you cited. It stabilizes the community. I wish you the best sistah! Remember above all else MARRY CHARACTER!!!!

      • anon December 11, 2012 at 12:03 am #

        Thanks for your comment and well wishes. I am looking forward to finding this kind of partner to share my life with.

  11. Charlotte July 5, 2013 at 10:38 am #

    I have a question for you. You seem to have a normal type of jealousy which I experience myself when seeing pretty women or whatever, but for me I am married and I recently tried to befriend this woman who has a boyfriend, no kids, and I have a husband with kids. I was trying to understand why I feel like she specifically did not take interest in me despite our commonalities. She was always brief with me and once I even called her a friend and she did not respond. I don’t want to assume she was jealous, it could very well be that she just did not see a friend in me for whatever reason, like maybe she has too many friends to give me enough energy, but is it a reality that single women in general are not interested in making friends with married women who have children? I know that I particularly did befriend married women when I was single with no kids just because they seemed to be the only ones interested in getting to know me. It baffles me that ppl do not realize or even care how lonely it is for women like me when my husband works as the sole breadwinner and I sit at home with kids most of the time. I do have other mom friends as well but I just don’t tend to discriminate. If I find someone who reminds me so much of myself I take interest in the friendship regardless of the person’s marital status or whether she has kids, it just does not matter to me.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Guest Post from a Real Housewife: Reasons I’m Jealous of Single Women « hisandhersinks - January 12, 2011

    [...] response to my Reasons I’m Jealous of Married Women post, I thought it would be a great idea to let the married women speak their piece about their [...]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: