Where Are You?

20 Dec

 Dear Future Boyfriend and/or Future Husband,

It’s the week of Christmas 2010 and I am here in Texas to visit my family. Sounds good, right? Well it should be all good but, not so much. I can’t say that the disappointment I’m experiencing was unexpected but my options were to either come visit them, be in New York alone, or reluctantly accept an awkward invitation to a friend’s family festivities where I would be unfulfilled and disappointed. I wisely opted for the familiarity of family dysfunction, a poor reception, and just the same ole BS that my so called family is comprised of. Where are you? 

I had to buy a plane ticket, take a very uncomfortable Delta flight, and spend what should have been my monthly savings on Christmas gifts only to be dissatisfied, unappreciated, and rejected in the end. I also thought it would be a great idea to spend 12 days with these people so I hate am unappreciative of the quality of my life right now. My only consolation is my 10 month old nephew who is so sweet and innocent. I am so in love with him and know that if he hadn’t been born this year, the holidays would be a hell of a lot worse! So,  all I want to say to you is please let our holidays be more enjoyable than this.

Where are you and how are you spending your holiday right now? If I already had you, I wouldn’t have to spend what should be a joyful time, so miserable. I would have someone else’s family to embrace me to have a real family dinner with, to make and share memories with. Or, if your family is similar to mine then we could have our own Christmas! We could even host a dinner and invite some of our favorite people over, give Secret Santa gifts, take pictures and laugh the night away. I would only have to spend a few days with my family to whatever extent of suffering tolerable and then I’d have you to share more enjoyable time with. Or, at least if I had you I would have an ally. You could come along with me and be my protector when I’m just over the edge with these people questioning me, challenging me, and assuming that I’m detached from them. Perhaps having you there would make me enjoy them more, you know? Maybe your presence could dilute the tension and shift the focus from the elephants in the room to the presence of our love and joy together?  While I haven’t had the luxury of having a boyfriend around during the holidays in some time, having a significant other present has worked in the past.

Are you going to judge me because I don’t come from the close knit, loving “good family”? Some men seem to glorify this trait when selecting a mate so I’m curious of your preference. I mean, if anything the fact that I have overcome the stress and heartache of dealing with these people should be a credit to my character as a resilient and patient woman. After all, I am the most “normal” of them all and the fact that I am the oldest should remind you that I am inherently right most of the time, thus the candor expressed about my family is just and true. Believe me when I tell you this is not how anyone would want to spend their Christmas and that this so called “family” time is just not good enough for me for all the right reasons. While I have accepted the shortcomings of my familial relationship (many hours of therapy later), I don’t feel it’s fair that I have to fully experience and endure them even during the holidays. I know I could be one of those people who have no family, and in theory I am so grateful for my own. But practically, gratitude just doesn’t go too far for me when I am being robbed socially.

Quality time is all I am asking for. I need someone to create a new family with new, appropriate traditions. Where are you? How much longer will I have to wait for you to come save me? I can only take so much and be so amendable. How many more holidays will I have to spend without an alternative? I’m not hard to please and I’ll even eat stuffing made out of “Stove Top” if that’s what your family does. Just don’t yell or fight and DO act like you’re happy to see me when I arrive. I know holidays are meant to be better than this and I look forward to sharing them with you in a more joyful light. I have accepted that no family is perfect but, I just want to feel some love in the air and embrace it however unfamiliar and uncomfortable. For the opportunity, I’d be grateful. Perfection is not required. Only good intentions are necessary.  Here’s to our own meaning of Christmas and family….

Love Always, Your Future Girlfriend and/or Wife.

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3 Responses to “Where Are You?”

  1. Soula Powa December 23, 2010 at 1:18 am #

    Damn. Your post made me feel so much better about leaving my gf to go visit my family. It sucks that we will be apart but she knows I love her and will see her when I get back. Your guy is out there and he won’t judge you negatively for your fam.

    Keep ya head up, sis.

    • hisandhersinks December 23, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

      Thanks for commenting and for the encouragement! I am happy to hear a man’s feedback about this. Stay tuned for the more uplifting posts, haha. Happy Holidays!

  2. Mother-of-3-Monsters December 24, 2010 at 12:54 am #

    Ashleigh. I’m glad I have a friend who knows what she wants and wont settle for anyhting less. Either you become just like them or your break the cycle and you my friend HAVE broke that cycle.

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