Am I THAT Girl?

20 Jan

For the past few years I have done my best to avoid questions about my dating life. Not because I have some big dating secret but, because I just seem to disappoint people with my answers. When asked “How’s your love life?” a statement which  is usually accompanied by a friendly tap on the shoulder and an optimistic, flirtatious, and meddling tone. A tone that insinuates that they just know the answer is “Wonderful” yet I’ve just simply been holding out the details. Sorry, no “Sex and the City” here, friend! The more I have tried to pretend like dating was not a part of my life the more I have been challenged by…dating and the perceptions it carries. I guess this is why I have a blog now. I gotta figure some things out.

The other day I was chatting with a friend on Facebook and he asked “So, you got a man yet?” Me: “Uhhhh, no!!” Sorry to inform you that I’m still single for reasons I can’t precisely name. I wish I had more for you. Is it a choice? Is it because no guys want to date me? I’m not sure. I wish I had a clear answer for him. Now more than ever I feel that the challenge is becoming too much to bear. I guess now that I’m done with school, have a career going, have a fabulous life, and am on the brink of all of my wildest dreams it must be just a huge question mark for my friends and associates to wonder why I never talk about any men in my life or why I don’t have the same conversations as many other 20-something women do. You know? About who they’re dating, where they met a guy, boyfriend drama, how they’re falling in love, how they’re getting married, how they want to be married, how they met his parents. These are all topics that just have not been a part of my life for some time. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that when I write it out but, I’m definitely not bitter; I’m just not there. Still, I understand how someone would perceive this as avoidant or bound by some sort of anti-dating logic.

Last month I overheard my mother (who thank God is very removed from my personal decisions , is supportive of anything I do, and is happy with whatever makes me happy) tell a friend “My daughter is doing her own thing. She is not trying to date right now. She has a lot going for her and is just worried about taking care of herself.”  To some extent my mother is right. I am taking care of myself. I do have things going for myself but that has nothing to do with the dates I’m not going on. Or at least I don’t think it does. I’m confused! Wth! Wait, Am I THAT Girl? Am I the girl who is proclaiming her independence to any and everyone who will listen. Am I THAT Girl who is walking around spelling out I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T and asking “do you know what that mean, man”? Couldn’t I be taking care of myself and dating? Dating doesn’t mean that I’m not worried about own well-being, right? Shouldn’t I be able to do both? Mom, you have faith in me right? Or are you just defending what you yourself do not understand about me?

 Just last week one of my supervisors gave me unsolicited dating advice during a conversation about her recent trip to Thailand.

Me: “Oh, I bet the beaches were amazing. That’s where my honeymoon will be one day. I have not a single marriage prospects as of now but I know that’s where I will spend my honeymoon.” I was just being funny… not really in angst contemplating my fantasy wedding.

Her: in a shocked but probing tone “Not a single prospect?!”

Me: “Naa, No….?! Wasn’t sure if I should just say yes to let her maintain her perceptions of me

Her: ” You know what the problem is? You’re too intimidating! You have to let them think they are the boss even when they’re not.”

Me: “Oooh. Kay.” ? In my head thinking is this advice I should consider or not?! Why is she adamant that this is a problem for me? She only knows me through work which is signficant however.

On one end I thought that I disappointed her but on the other hand it seems like she had my “issue” all figured out meanwhile I don’t! Didn’t even know I had an issue. Am I THAT girl? Too rigid and seemingly intimidating? Am I THAT girl who is too aloof  to socialize “properly” with men? No, because that’s the girl who CNN, relationship social statiscians, and Steve Harvey talk about and I want no part of that crisis. I have been trying to avoid being a statistic since 7th grade sex education class and I will not let this dating thing categorize me as such or ruin my track record. Am I THAT girl who doesn’t know she is a hot mess and needs relationship advice?

Yesterday I was having after work drinks with my co-workers who just happen to be great friends too. We hang pretty tough and for the last 2 years they have been my sounding board, my BIGGEST supporters, and just simply everything to me so they know me fairly well. Considering our friendship I thought that I had been an open book to them and my dating issues weren’t an issue. I must have issues!? Clearly…

Me: “Hey you know that the Modern Day Matchmaker event is doing a speed dating event next month. I told SoandSo about it and she may go.” Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I want to go to this event which is why I brought it up I guess to test my own ambivalence.

Friend #1: “Aren’t you going? ”

Me: “NO! No way!”

Friend #2: “Girl, why not? No, you’re going! I will sponsor you to go! We will sponsor you!” Wtf, I need a sponsor now? Is this an intervention?

Friend #3: “Girl, yes we’re gonna sponsor this for you! I mean how long has it been? I’m glad she brought  this up because I’ve been wanting to ask you how long has it’s really been but, I know you have boundaries and I didn’t want to cross them.”  How long it’s been since I been laid, had a man or what.. I have no idea what she really wanted to know.

Friend #1: Guys, she’s not emotionally ready! “I’m not?! Right! I’m not”!?

AM I THAT GIRL?! Am I the girl who is too detached to even have a conversation with dear friends about my dating stance? Do I put out that I am so removed from dating that I am not even open to having my friends ask questions? Am I THAT girl who people already know what the issues are and they are just waiting for an opportunity to give their prescriptives? Is there a reason why a few friends say they don’t even bother asking because “they already know the answer”? It’s seems like everyone has their idea about my dating life except me. Why is that? What am I putting out that is inconsistently profound among my friends and associates? What is the real answer here? As I listen to what I am saying here, I can tell that I’m all over the place so I definitely need your help. This is me! This is my life. These are my thoughts. What do you all see that I don’t? Is there something I’m not getting? What is my dating stance? I feel I have to figure it out if I’m ever gonna leap into the dating scene again. Confused but optimistic….I’m THAT girl!


9 Responses to “Am I THAT Girl?”

  1. Friend #3 January 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm #

    After two years of laughter, tears, drama, gossip, and vision boards, there are no boundaries that cannot be broken down with a couple glasses of wine. 🙂
    Also, I LOVE your blog!

  2. friend #1 January 21, 2011 at 12:01 am #

    I think you are confused about where you’re at! You said you weren’t ready for ” flow dating ” but even the concept that you never had to communicate with any of the participants in the future wasn’t enough to convince you were ready! I’m missing something here. You’re not THAT girl but you are who you are and that’s okay. My Mom tells ppl at baby showers i live in new York so i don’t feel the need for a committed relationship probably til 30 lol.

  3. starita34 January 21, 2011 at 2:37 am #

    Girl you betta put on your eff um dress and keep living your life! Most likely your girls are trying to help you because they care about you, but random strangers and co workers instructing you to play mind games with men? Eff um. Odds are they are trying to fix their past and are inadvertently messing with your future.

    This felt like three distinct blogs to me. Part 1 about people’s amazement, general wonderment, and disbelief of your/my/our dating lives is…it’s…well, it’s insulting. I know they probably mean no harm, but they inflict it none the less. The fact that I’m steadily expected to talk about a non existent love life only a)reminds me that I have no love life and b)makes me feel “less than” and like there’s something wrong with me because of this. And what did it do positive? Nothing! Unless you’ve got someone to hook me up with, don’t ask. It’s better this way. (applies to strangers/associates only, those close to me will already be up on the love life dramatics).

    And as I was telling you on Twitter, this “Independent” ish has GOT to end. Personally, I’m independent by necessity. I take care of me and my home, but who else is going to do it? I’m a grown woman b, what I look like relying on anyone else just so that I can have a place to rest my head? FOH. Reality is, I’d prefer to be less independent. All I’m doing is taking care of me-that’s not award winning, that’s BASIC grown woman ish right there.

    Part 2 with the supervisor…the advice of strangers (me included) you gotta take with a grain of salt. I wouldn’t sweat this (I also wouldn’t follow that advice. You wanna play a character the rest of your life?).

    Part 3 with your girls…now they are the ones that I’d recommend leaning on. Talk openly, try to be objective, decide which things you may want to improve and which things make you uniquely you.

    And might I recommend you read this? There may just be a blessing in it for you, there was for me (even if I did vent on his blog the very next day, lol)

    Trust me, I feel you. I get the same nagging “what’s wrong with me” thoughts. The fear that I’m doing it all wrong and everyone is destined for happiness but me. That whatever the secret to getting the ever elusive “good man” is, no one’s telling me. Then I remember God’s promises and whatever happens with my Romantic love life, Love is all around us. In your mother’s support, your supervisor’s concern, your girls’ attempts to help. Whatever happens in your Romantic love life, know that your LOVE life is already a success. *hugs* THAT’S the girl we are.

  4. Friend #3 January 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

    Might I start by stating, you are an amazing writer. This blog was an excellent read, and certainly has given me more insight to your inquiry ” Am I THAT Girl”. Now- although I do not have the answer,I do know that you are smart and wise, and when you are ” There” you will be ready emotionally, physically, and spritually, and god bless the man that you finally do get a hold off cause I fear he will not be prepared for the kinky, lustful sessions, and pent-up loving you have in store for him…

  5. Xanthe January 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm #

    Ms. Blogger: You’re a smart, competent career woman, but you’re afraid to be vulnerable. Couple that with being very picky and that pretty much leaves you an “independent woman”.

    I say, just live your life to the fullest (don’t sit there and watch TV and order Dominos every night)…and, eventually, that real gem in your life will find you.

    (Great advice from someone who is eating take-out sushi and reading your blog on a Friday night. haha. Good luck!)

    • J Melonie January 21, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

      LOL@Xanthe…I don’t think that she is being picky, perhaps cautious and stuck in the precontemplation stage of love and allowing someone inside. Its so easy often times to give yourself to someone, but such an ordeal and complex task to to regain yourself when the relationship comes to a close or the person does not meet the expectation.

      • Xanthe January 21, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

        Do I know you “J Melonie”? 🙂 Are you saying Ms. Blogger is afraid of failure? Anyhoo, just remember there is not a perfect mate, only a good fit.

        If you really look around at the people around you, even those people who are technically in relationships aren’t necessarily in enviable positions. The number of friends you can truly be jealous of are few.

      • J Melonie January 22, 2011 at 10:17 am #

        Although I am not certain if the blogger is in fact “afraid of failure” I do some times feel that people do “armour-up” to protect what’s most valuable to them, many times it’s our heart. As for a strong INDEPENDENT girl, that girl may be protecting her mind, not willing to allow herself to get caught up in the mental tango dance routine most times associated with being in a relationship of any sort.

      • starita34 January 22, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

        “If you really look around at the people around you, even those people who are technically in relationships aren’t necessarily in enviable positions. The number of friends you can truly be jealous of are few.”
        @Xanthe You ain’t never lied.

        And “A good fit” is a great descriptor. People get very caught up in the word “perfect”.

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