Friday Night Epiphany: Buying My Own Company?

31 Jan

To what do they owe this experience? Where did they go wrong?

 So here it is another typical Friday* night at home here in my cozy little Harlem apartment. It’s blissful business as usual: blogrolling, Domino’s, Soul Food series on Netflix, and relaxation.  Tonight would have been that Friday night where me and my lovelies (friends) took our earnings to some local hotspot and had a blast over wine, cheese, or BBQ’s margaritas. Unfortunately, that Friday night is not happening because my job made a mistake processing my pay check and I’m financially bound (the word broke is gross and derogatory in my opinion so get used to this euphemism. In the name of Jesus I rebuke brokeness). I would have loved to hang up with my lovelies and B.S. the night away in good company so that fact that I am at home is cool, but uncomfortable. I’m financially bound not only because of the HR glitch, but I’ve also put my life on a strict budget so that I can make some of my dreams a reality this year. This “by any means necessary” approach with my finances and personal life has really got me questioning my sense of self and my evolution as a single woman. I have always valued the self esteem and actualization that comes with being single and enjoying my own company. I think that everyone at some point in life should find who they are independent of relationships and enjoy who they are independent of relationships. With this new financial discipline and sacrificing I am realizing that I am uncomfortable not being able to “treat” myself to any and every thing as usual. What I have failed to realize is that for a long time I have in fact been buying my own company! (Whew! Powerful statement, right?  ** looks down, taps index finger in the air in praise of the Lord for this moment of clarity **)  

I’m finding discomfort with the fact that Saturday mornings will no longer be filled with a shopping trip to Zara, followed by an afternoon brunch with “H-Mami” (my partner in every crime), then a trip to Whole Foods for my favorite gourmet cheese to go with my favorite wine. I will no longer be able to spend a whole Sunday afternoon browsing through sample sales and buying whatever I think I need and getting to the nail salon just in time for a mani-pedi. I won’t be signing up for every dance class or randomly ordering shoes from or turning a simple trip to Target for shampoo into a full blown household goods splurge. No more recreational spending! It’s just gonna be me, myself, and I with the blessings that have already been bestowed upon me as it always should have been.

The fact that I can’t just hit up Pier 1tonight and buy something for my apartment or that I can’t spend tomorrow afternoon buying my favorite gourmet cooking items is quite uncomfortable for me. I am used to filling my life up with these little simple things that make me happy. What else will make me happy besides these little things? Damn those people who have alerted me that I have discounted male companionship because I am starting to think that trip to get cheese from Whole Foods would be less important had such a companion been present.  Yeah sure I would have been a shopaholic even if I was “boo’d up” (<–I hate this term) but I don’t know if it would have been as important or compulsory for me to load my life with all these seemingly necessary spending and socializing sprees. I am wondering if I’ve really spent quality time with myself since my free time has mostly been spent chasing things. Am I really as happy as I should be? Here I was thinking I was loving myself and that going to every dinner, every event, and every sale was just me living my single life freely an,d to the limit but cut my funds and ability to spend freely and I am all out sorts with myself! I still plan to live fabulously and happily so, but when I look back shopping and lavishing was more a part of who I was versus what I did. I’m realizing that I have wasted so much time (and money) filling my life with stuff that I am not fully comfortable with my true self. I’ve been too distracted. Now, I don’t want to beat myself up too much because Lord knows I’m a bad mutha…shut yo mouth! I am a woman who has not only accomplished everything I set out to do but I know who I am flaws and all. The goal has never been to be perfect but to be content with my own self and to be true to my own being. To say the least I am looking forward to spending these temporarily uncomfortable times with myself to see what potential has gone unrealized, what growth needs to take place, and what value needs to be appreciated within me. I don’t plan on opening myself up to any relationship until I am completely comfortable with myself so I guess I have to get a little uncomfortable first, right?

Again this is my real life so I welcome feedback. Can anyone else relate?  What have you truly accomplished within yourself? Does anyone else feel like they buy their own company at times and prioritize things that wouldn’t matter if you had a significant other? Not saying we should hate our lives ‘cause I damn sure don’t, but I’m wondering not only what I have missed within myself but also remembering the positive and negative distractions of being in a relationship.

* I originally wrote this on Friday after I got off work but it was so emotionally penetrating I didn’t have the energy to edit and actually post. Anyway pretend you read it in real time and enjoy!


3 Responses to “Friday Night Epiphany: Buying My Own Company?”

  1. H.Mami January 31, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    There has to be some way of balance! Especially that do not involve giving up brunches with your partner in crime lol. I hear you on the pursuit of happiness through things filling a void that maybe someone else could fill, a void that maybe just a little more income could fill, or maybe a void that is about missing something that is bigger picture. No speculations on what that could be for any of us.

  2. H. Mami February 1, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    Saw this and thought of Hisandhersinks…

    2. Stop being so cautious.
    Love is one of those human experiences where caution is overrated. If you want to be safe, go shopping at Zara with your best friend. The worst that can happen to you there is that you won’t be able to resist the adorable little black dress on sale. But when it comes to love, don’t expect caution to get you anywhere. Applying caution to love is like driving uphill with your emergency brake on. You might be able to keep going for a while, but eventually, you’ll need to find a mechanic.

    Read more:

  3. bernadette robinson February 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    This is awesome. You are a great writer. You have impressed me with your willingness to stick to a strict budget. I need to cut spending big time… Not that I have a lot but I waste money. Yes, I am real enough with myself to say that. Keep up the great work and I look foward to reading more of your work.

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