Weighting it Out

27 Mar

You all are my friends, right?

Ok, good! I only ask because this post is going to be a little more personal and revealing than some of the others.

Spring is here and Summer is drawing closer and I always get anxious about the body image issues that come with showing more skin and fitting into my more breezy, sun-friendly outfits. The last couple years I have gotten a little better at managing my summer body expectations (do you have those?) as I have grown more excepting of my flaws. It also helps that I am fairly active and fit so a balanced diet and exercise always keep me in line as long as I am consistent. My weight and physique are a work in progress so I have learned to do my best and forget the rest….for the most part.  Except when it comes to dating and my relationship with the opposite sex. I will not allow myself to date again until I am satisfied with my weight. I am just gonna weight or wait it out until my body is where I want it to be before I date again. 

Now, don’t scold me just yet and tell me how immature, rigid, unhealthy, and self-defeating this is. I have already been warned of the danger of this  resolution by a very good therapist and a friend but honestly the only problem I have with waiting is that I don’t know exactly what satified with my weight looks like or when it will hapen. That’s the bigger issue in my opinion.

You see, a while ago (so long ago that it shouldn’t be a factor anymore but honestly it is) I went through a very emotionally abusive relationship that I allowed to shatter my confidence and challenge my self-image. After I recovered from this mess of a relationship I made a promise to myself that before I got into another relationship I would be 100% secure with myself including my image so that when I was challenged or rejected again I would not falter or be moved in such a way that would uproot my sense of worth like the last time (it was scary bad). Yeah, as I am writing this I’m hearing that I am mentally unhealthy, misconstrued, and still allowing the past to impact me too much. But at the same time it seems so necessary for me to remind myself of this intrapersonal pact I made because it was a pain that I will never allow myself to feel again (because I can control these things, ya know).

The scary part of it is that I have yet fulfill the promise to myself. I have not gotten to the level of security with my body that I will allow a man to get close to me again. It is still in my mind a dangerous thing to do. Not until I am at the weight or have the physique rather that I am comfortable with for myself, I do not see myself being able to date confidently. I am not overweight or sloppy but I definitely could use some work. I want a flatter stomach and less backfat cushion on my back.  The only issue I have with this is that there was a time when I had a better figure, I had a flatter stomach, and no backfat and it wasn’t good enough. Even then I was very self-conscious and self-loathing hence the emotionally abuse I ended up in. What will be the difference next time? Maybe I am scared I will still not be satisfied once I do fulfill this physical pact with myself and that’ why I haven’t reached the goal nor established it in concrete terms. Making it realistic would be too realistic I guess.

If I met the man of my dreams tonight I would not be ready to receive him because I have not become the woman of my dreams. I know weight is somewhat superficial but if I am not in love with my body, confident in my body image, and satisfied with my body then I have no business trying to pursue dating. I don’t have anything to offer until I get this weight weight off of  my shoulders. 

I acknowledge in this moment that it is a huge burden to carry though….the weight of the pressure I put on myself to attain this unwavering, positive body image and also losing the actual weight but it’s just the way I think. I can’t think of a way to take the load off of myself or allow myself to date until this is taken care of yet I have not quite reached where Iwant to be. Is that too much to ask of myself? I know things in the dating world or in my relationships with men still won’t be perfect no matter what I look like but that’s precisely my motivation. At the end of the day if nothing else, if no man is willing to accept me for who I am, I know that without a doubt I have given the best that I’ve got. Knowing that I am at my absolute best I will have the confidence and esteem again to accept whatever rejection, imperfections, or challenges that come with dating and relationships. Right now I’m just not there….

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One Response to “Weighting it Out”

  1. anonymous March 27, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

    What I don’t think you’re giving yourself credit for is the strength you do have to not be in that type of relationship again. You’re a much different person– today you are an independent, intelligent, fashionable young professional and socialite who gets compliments on her natural hair. Doesn’t sound like that person in that relationship. Of course there’s more work to do in rebuilding your confidence in your body and loving it with its imperfections and all which I believe is truly the only way to be happy and confident in yourself. But give yourself credit for how far you’ve come so far and know we are all just works in progress.

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