Coming to Conclusions

1 May

Since my last post, I have had a lot of time to think about where I am at with my readiness to be romantically involved again and in doing so I have come to many conclusions. Afterall, I haven’t posted in 3 weeks so let’s hope that I have  used my time engaging in at least a thinking process. It’s surely not the first time, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s not going to be enough for me to simply submit to my readiness and admit to the toils of being emotional unavailable. I know I want to be ready but I am not really taking seriously the idea of changing my state of mind or my status as single. I like being single, but I also know that at some point it will get old and if I don’t start to work toward companionship now, I will be old. And lonely. And unfulfilled perhaps. I don’t know exactly what the best case scenario is for being single all one’s life. I imagine it has advantages but I am not interested in running this sort of social experiment with my own life. 

Before the burdens of love consumed me, I always pictured myself in a happy, long-lasting, committed relationship. Now, I can’t say that my ideas happiness or health were actually appropriately defined or rooted in sound character, but previously I had nothing but great expectations for love in my life. At specific points down the line, I have been deterred and today that is no longer okay with me. I cannot continue to submit to my insecurities, fears, and failures. It’s like I’ve become some shrinking violet who has prematurely retired to my hopes, dreams, a romantic wishes so much that I no longer recognize them and ultimately have suppressed my own worth. Because, what are we really worth if we are unwilling or unable to share it with others? What does it mean to have worth if no one can assess the value? I don’t know exactly but I have come to a few conclusions that need to be cemented if not into my psyche then onto the world-wide web for other people to hopefully extract guidance and inspiration from in their own pursuit of love.

These are my conclusions….

1.) If I am ever going to ever seek another relationship I have to be willing to take the risk of being hurt again. Plain and simple nothing is guaranteed to succeed.

2.) I have to allow myself to a chance to affirm that I have grown as a person and trust that I am more resilient and self-possessing than I have ever been before. That I can handle the intimacy, vulnerability, risks and rewards of a relationship.

3.) I will not be ready to date until I am 100% secure with my efforts to be my best self. The only way I am going to be more secure with myself alone or in a relationship is to change or accept the things that make me feel insecure within myself. So simple yet so difficult. Does anyone have specific examples of how they have done this? I know it starts with having clear and realistic expectations and some action but it just seems too intangible to obtain.

4.) Perfection is unnecessary

5.) Dating may not guarantee the perfect dates or mate but not dating is a sure-fire way to be end up with no dates or mate at all.

6.) Rejection and betrayal didn’t kill me then and they won’t kill me now or ever. I plan to start cleaning out my closet, taking out some trash, confessing more about my past hurts. As the Bible says, the truth will set you free. I have to be willing to face the past in order to get it out of my way in the first place. I figure my blog will be the best space to do it.

7.) By not taking on the challenges I face with dating again I am not only limiting my desires but I am also being a lazy ass, idle-minded, unmotivated, anti-dating individual. These are not ways that I like to characterize myself.

8.) Love is not a black and white, all or nothing concept so neither shall I be. Did that make sense to you? I’m questioning my use of the last few words in that sentence but whatevs.

9.) Now that I have come to these conclusions I need to do some work to prove that I am right. Stay tuned… or better yet tune me in! What is going on here? Anyone been through a point in their love life where you realize the extent of a problem, conclude to the facts of the matter then feel inclined to do something about it all? But what?

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