I Caught Myself Growing

18 May

As you can see I have resigned to the idea of blogging about my journey to his and her sinks on a regular basis. I want my sentiments to be shared from an authentic and inspiring place and the only way that can happen for me in this forum, is through spontaneity. Basically, I can only write it when I really feel it. Tonight is one of those nights. I am catching up on my DVR recordings and in watching my new favorite show on Lifetime (I’m such a f*ckin woman, right), The Conversation I caught myself in the act of personal growth. One of the questions asked on the show was would you want to be your own friend. I immediately answered to myself, “F*ck Yeah!”! Then my very next thought was, “Really, Ashleigh? You would? I didn’t know that about you!” If  I or anyone else had asked me this question a year ago, I would have had a slightly different  and indifferent response like, “maybe” or “under what circumstances?” I just witnessed my mind and self-truth shift  in a milli-second and noticed that I have truly evolved since I last took inventory of my self worth, but it was not until this very moment that I questioned it that I actually activated my own growth. You see, for the past year, I have really had to work on my sense of self and was in a much more desperate place a year ago. I doubted my very own worth and was challenged with feeling like I could ever feel some resolve about who I wanted to be and didn’t even feel up to the task of being enough of myself. Now, I am so far ahead of that, thank the Lawd!

I didn’t realize until now how this even happened but it’s a credit to the fact that I have had to become a more open and accepting woman. It has taken me having some fierce conversations with friends and revealing truths about myself that I thought I never had the gumption to confess. I pushed myself and was forced in many ways (due to a health scare) to do so and for it, I have realized that as soon as I was willing to be imperfect and realize that I am without a doubt imperfect, I arrive at my worth. This alone qualifies me worthy. Without flaws I really have no way of knowing how well I am doing or who I can be. But in knowing that I am not perfect, I am forced to uncover and qualify what in fact I am worth. I now know that I am worthy because despite everything I am not, I still am. For that reason, I’d definitely want to be my own friend. I’d definitely want to be my own wife. I’d definitely want to be my own mother.

As I continue to pursue my journey towards the things that I want most, I proclaim that I am worthy of all of these things which inevitably means that I will have them one day without a shadow of a doubt. Five minutes ago I didn’t know this about myself but I am so grateful that I caught myself growing and that I could share this precious moment with you. There’s no turning back now.

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