Archive | June, 2012

“Either Pray or Worry”: 6 Ridiculous Things I Worry About

19 Jun

Last Sunday 50 Cent was interviewed on Oprah’s Next Chapter. I loved the interview mainly because I can’t resist 50 Cent’s charm but also because he said something simply profound that resonated with me, “Either pray or worry; don’t do both.” When he said this, it resonated with me not because it was the first time I’ve heard someone say, “don’t pray and worry”, but because he so convincingly portrayed the idea of praying and worrying at the same time about something in life as ridiculous. The more I thought about it, I realized how I not only ridiculously pray and worry at the same time but some of the things I worry about are so inherently ridiculous to begin with. I could go into this deep, enlightening post about a time I spent ruminating over my fears and ultimately learned that my worry failed to affect anything positive. Instead I am going to expose all the nonsensical things I worry about that should not occupy my mental depth or time. Either you will relate or think I’m completely crazy. In return, I hope this helps you somehow. Here are the really ridiculous things I worry about as a 20-something woman.

1. Having saggy boobs- Seriously, my breasts are perfect. I am sure of it! There is nothing that would disappoint me more if I woke up and they were flat and hanging down to my knees. To this end I sometimes sleep in bras. I get worried if I do more than 10 jumping jack at a time and on obsessive impulsive occassions, I can be found Googling if breastfeeding my unconceived child will cause sagging in the future and taking notes on how to avoid such a tragedy.

2. Tripping, falling, and losing my two front teeth. Don’t even ask me why this is at the forefront of my mind. Maybe it’s because my mother had her two front teeth knocked out by a swinging fence when she was  a kid. I’d have to say that for whatever sick reason this is one of my top fears. Everytime I approach a staircase or walk over an icy patch I think to myself, be careful or be snaggle-toothed.

3. Running into my exes while looking a hot firey mess. Kimora Lee Simmons said it best, “Always dress like you’re going to see your worst enemy.” I so believe in this concept that being better is the best revenge but let’s keep it real. From time to time I can be found out and about looking subpar on the occasional grocery shopping trip or stop at the gas station. The absolute worst thing that could happen to me is that one of my exes will pull up next  to me at pump number 7 and catch me without my “Money Green” eyeshadow on. (<–see what I did there?). I’ve had way too many dreams about running into an ex while I’m not looking on point. Mind you, my exes all live in Texas (like I’ George Strait 😉 <–see what I did there?) and I live in NYC…….

4. How I’ll Wear My Hair on My Wedding Day. Who says you have to be engaged or even dating to start thinking about this sort of thing? Hair is such a big deal to me that I NEED to be planning my hair now even in the absence of a boyfriend or marriage proposal. I mean, I could get a weave but then I wouldn’t be 100% real on my special day. The other option would be to rock a natural updo of some sort but at the risk of it turning into a fro and I plan on having an outdoor Fall wedding so, I’m not sure what I’m going to do and it really worries me that I could really end up looking a mess if I don’t figure this out.

5. Beyonce and Kim Kardashian will become best friends. Listen, Kim is the ultimate opportunist. She’s taken full advantage of every relationship she has had (although I can’t knock her hustle entirely) and her new relationship with Kanye leads me to believe it’s only a matter of time before she tries to ease her way up to Queen Bey’s throne. Let me find out she and Kanye are double-dating with Bey and Jay. I will straight lose my mind. I lie awake at night thinking of all the mean Tweets I’ll send to Kim K. as we speak. I worry that her and Beyonce are going to start having brunch together and that if Kimye gets married, Kim K. will be Blue Ivy’s play Auntie and I just can’t handle the thought of it. What will I do?

6. Dying single- This is kinda unlikely and ridiculous, right? I mean, I at least have a chance of being in a crappy relationship of some sort. I mean, how likely is it really that I will never find true love? What are the chances that I will die completely single? I think the odds are in my favor so let’s not be ridiculous, self! If worse comes to worse I could always move to Atlanta, start hanging out with washed up music producers, have a baby by one, and get played to the left as he dates a stripper with a speech impediment, right? No need to worry about it then.

So I guess I’ll just keep praying my boobs stay perky, that I’ll actually meet the man of my dreams, that Beyonce will reject Kim’s brunch invite, that my wedding day hairdo will fall into place, that my ex and I will never cross paths in NYC, and that my teeth will never meet concrete instead of worrying so much. YOLO!  Thank you to my future husband, Curtis Jackson and Oprah for such wisdom.

So tell me what are some ridiculous things you worry about?

%d bloggers like this: