Archive | December, 2012

2012 In Love

31 Dec

As I’m sitting here getting a blowout while simultaneously waiting for a major love interest to text me back and deciding on a Plan B with a minor love interest, I can’t help but reflect on my love life. With only six and a half hours left of 2012, I have to admit that I wish I’d done more with my love life this year. I wish I’d experienced more romance. I feel like this is yet another year without having received the love I deserve.  I’m sitting here hoping he’ll ask me to spend New Year’s with him while rejecting the invites from another would-be lucky guy. I just deserve more than a hope or a wish; I know that. I’m just not there yet though but I can feel that 2013 will bring more.

This year, I was challenged to dismiss the perceptions I had about the men I attract and those I didn’t attract. I overcame all the boundaries about what I was capable of finding/attracting in a man that had previously left me scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve always had high expectations for men to meet my needs and wants but in 2012 I think I really stuck to them and for it I am grateful however disappointing the outcome may have been. I’ve become less afraid of letting go but at the same time less dismissive of men who f*ck up a little! I’m a Libra, but I guess I’m getting this balance thing down.

I’ve also realized that no matter how high or low my expectations there will always be the risk of disappointment. Whether I’m dating a lawyer or a security guard, my quest for true love and compatibility will always be a challenging one. I however have accepted that I am more compatible with men who have the similar levels of education/career as me. I had previously dismissed this key indicator of relationship success as important but now I don’t feel as guilty turning down a guy who is not as socially mobile as I am (Yuck, I hate the sound of that. May have to reconsider this concept). I mean as long as he is self-sufficient, can buy me gifts, and passionate about what he does who cares…I guess.

While love in 2012 has not been totally ideal for me, I have to remain optimistic that I will find it and that I can handle any disappointment in the pursuit. I will not give up yet. Happy New Year! Happy New Love!

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Drunk on Lust

10 Dec

Every now and then I visit my own blog to write, reflect, swoon, clarify and vent. Tonight I am going to do all of the above. You’re in for a real treat.

You see, I am finally dating again, like seriously dating. Not just taking it as it comes as I was doing last year in an effort to get my feet wet. The past few months I have been going out and GOING IN on this dating life. As the odds would have it I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*swoons* and *smiles*). Here is where shit gets real though. I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*pulls hair* and *phones a friend*) which means I’m questioning, analyzing, screaming, thinking and driving myself nuts about where this is going – why hasn’t he called/texted me, what did he mean when he said “I’ll see you”, why didn’t he do xyz”. Ummmm, how the hell did I get here? Last time I remember I was single, dating and sane. My emotions are on steroids and bath salts in this muthaf*ck* dealing with this dude. I can’t even handle me right now. Like, I thought I knew how to handle liking a man and being a grown ass woman but apparently I’m not about this dating and love life.

All of a sudden it’s like my worst fears also known as baggage (although informative) are coming to the forefront. While this guy has been fun so far in the last 3 weeks we’ve been dating, :-/I’m not entirely convinced he is ready for commitment and is able to give what I need as a boyfriend (this matters because I do want a relationship), my sixth sense is alarmed and I’m getting mixed signals which ultimately means I can’t be so wrapped up and invested but….I am. Checking my phone for his texts, checking BBM for instant messages and status updates, wondering if he’s thinking of me, looking for some sort of social cue to take advantage of, wondering why he isn’t texting as much as he did last week or the week before, deciding whether or not to text him (ultimately deciding not to because I DO NOT CHASE MEN). Ugh! I hate this shit but I like him so much. My gut is saying this is not going to work – “it’s too new”, “he’s too much like right”, “he’s not doing this”, “but he said that”, “remember this is the same thing that happened last time”, “if you have to question his intentions then it’s not right”, “you gave it up too soon”, “he’s obviously losing interest”, “trust your instincts”. Basically, this new romance has me losing my mind. I feel like Whitney Houston singing how will I know except I’m on the verge of an ugly cry while singing unlike her………….

But he’s so sweet, so appealing, so sexy, so affectionate, so gets my sense of humor, so established, so funny, so likeable. I guess I need to  keep it real and admit that at the end of the day all of my expectations are not being met so that’s what’s most important and I have to remember that and get over of the ever so enjoyable vibing, cuddling, wining, dining, kissing, touching, laughing, discussing, gazing and conversing. I’ve worked too hard and waited too long to find love to allow my emotions to spoil my heart. If only I could numb my heart and mind until this story ends. Pray for me peace of mind, and an unscathed heart in the days and weeks to follow. I sure wish I had a shot of him or of tequila right now. Either would do.

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