Drunk on Lust

10 Dec

Every now and then I visit my own blog to write, reflect, swoon, clarify and vent. Tonight I am going to do all of the above. You’re in for a real treat.

You see, I am finally dating again, like seriously dating. Not just taking it as it comes as I was doing last year in an effort to get my feet wet. The past few months I have been going out and GOING IN on this dating life. As the odds would have it I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*swoons* and *smiles*). Here is where shit gets real though. I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*pulls hair* and *phones a friend*) which means I’m questioning, analyzing, screaming, thinking and driving myself nuts about where this is going – why hasn’t he called/texted me, what did he mean when he said “I’ll see you”, why didn’t he do xyz”. Ummmm, how the hell did I get here? Last time I remember I was single, dating and sane. My emotions are on steroids and bath salts in this muthaf*ck* dealing with this dude. I can’t even handle me right now. Like, I thought I knew how to handle liking a man and being a grown ass woman but apparently I’m not about this dating and love life.

All of a sudden it’s like my worst fears also known as baggage (although informative) are coming to the forefront. While this guy has been fun so far in the last 3 weeks we’ve been dating, :-/I’m not entirely convinced he is ready for commitment and is able to give what I need as a boyfriend (this matters because I do want a relationship), my sixth sense is alarmed and I’m getting mixed signals which ultimately means I can’t be so wrapped up and invested but….I am. Checking my phone for his texts, checking BBM for instant messages and status updates, wondering if he’s thinking of me, looking for some sort of social cue to take advantage of, wondering why he isn’t texting as much as he did last week or the week before, deciding whether or not to text him (ultimately deciding not to because I DO NOT CHASE MEN). Ugh! I hate this shit but I like him so much. My gut is saying this is not going to work – “it’s too new”, “he’s too much like right”, “he’s not doing this”, “but he said that”, “remember this is the same thing that happened last time”, “if you have to question his intentions then it’s not right”, “you gave it up too soon”, “he’s obviously losing interest”, “trust your instincts”. Basically, this new romance has me losing my mind. I feel like Whitney Houston singing how will I know except I’m on the verge of an ugly cry while singing unlike her………….

But he’s so sweet, so appealing, so sexy, so affectionate, so gets my sense of humor, so established, so funny, so likeable. I guess I need to  keep it real and admit that at the end of the day all of my expectations are not being met so that’s what’s most important and I have to remember that and get over of the ever so enjoyable vibing, cuddling, wining, dining, kissing, touching, laughing, discussing, gazing and conversing. I’ve worked too hard and waited too long to find love to allow my emotions to spoil my heart. If only I could numb my heart and mind until this story ends. Pray for me peace of mind, and an unscathed heart in the days and weeks to follow. I sure wish I had a shot of him or of tequila right now. Either would do.

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2 Responses to “Drunk on Lust”

  1. melissa December 10, 2012 at 11:23 pm #

    Hello. I read your blog and couldn’t leave without leaving a comment. Be careful with your heart. I know the dating thing can be exciting and confusing at the same time. Trust me, I’ve been in the dating scene for years! It has not worked out too well for me but I have learned not to settle, to listen to my “gut” feelings, and protect my “valuables”. Even though the guy may be sexy, have a nice car, have a good job…all that doesn’t matter if he isn’t giving you what you want in a relationship. You are worth so much more than that! Yes, the cuddling and kissing and holding hands feels nice, but it is not worth the heartache in the end if its with the wrong person. Trust your instincts. Be blessed!

    Mel

    • anon December 10, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

      Wow! I didn’t think people were still following my blog since I dont post consistently and this was more for me to clear my own head. Thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad to have someone who can relate to this exact situation and feel what I’m feeling. Based on your comment it seems as if you know this guy. lol I am truly appreciative of your comment and insight. It’s always great when you get this kind of affirmation around something that your are challenged with. Thank you, thank you thank you!.

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