Archive | March, 2013

Love Stories

25 Mar

Today as I was researching a business website (for my forthcoming brand design firm :-)), I caught an unexpected surprise on the blog of the site. It’s funny how you find inspiration for love in the most random places but I guess this is what happens when you stumble upon any work that is done with true passion and love. I was browsing through a site called. Detavio.com, a marketing firm website I discovered through a wedding blog (imagine that). Here I was thinking the guy was just blogging about his business endeavors and inspirations for marketing then I read one of his recent posts titled, “Love Stories”…..

“Someone who was supposed to love you didn’t.  Someone else loved you but left (maybe your’re still recovering).  And perhaps, hopefully, there are others who loved you, stood by your side through all things and never let you fall.

Our life is a webbed series composed of love stories.

With each relationship we walk away with some tale of how love came (or didn’t) and how love stayed (or didn’t).   The stories we tell ourselves based on our experiences with love dictate our own love story.  They teach us to believe in love (or not), whether we deserve love (or not), as well as how to love others (or not).  Know your own love stories so that you can determine whether (or not) they are good the way they are or if some of them need to be rewritten.”

This is so simple, yet it’s everything. How many times have you told yourself your own love stories? Do you tell the stories with regret or sadness, internalizing the script? I do. Well I did. This post was a beautiful reminder to me to know my stories, to be mindful of the ones I tell myself over and over again, and to definitely keep rewriting them. I am so grateful for this piece of inspiration as a reminder that thoughts become things and if good love is my thought and intention, I have to have the best love story so that it will manifest in the way that I desire to give and deserve to have. I hope it inspires you.

Mistakes

16 Mar

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in this love game is to get over your mistakes – what you did wrong in dating or loving someone. For me this is the part that has me stuck right now. While the guy I was dating wasn’t perfect or without fault, I have to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings. I am the one who allowed myself to fall and have such great expectations.  I am hard on myself when it comes to many things but nothing pisses myself off more than when I play around with my heart.

More recently, I just cannot believe I jumped head first into something and got distracted by the butterflies and the thrills of love/lust (still trying to sort it out what it was). I’m thinking I should not have made myself so available to someone. I should have ran at week three when I wrote that blog post. I should have acted on my intuitions more. Oh no, I was having too much fun. Fun lead me to even more mixed emotions. Trying to make sense of my feelings getting so lost in them I lost my sense of self  ultimately being disappointed. How could I let this happen after all the work I’ve done on myself? I just made so many mistakes. I should have never allowed my physical desires and emotions to define a dating relationship before I had a chance to. I should not have been so giving of my time. I was having too much fun. I was so excited to have found someone who I actually liked enough to tell my friends about and even consider being my boyfriend. I was so close and I fucked it up.

How did I not communicate clearly? I should have been more direct and asked more questions in the beginning. I should have gone slower. What the hell was I thinking? I thought I’d learned these lessons so long ago but apparently I’ve gotten a little rusty. How did I allow someone who I was so emotionally aloof and immature to distract me with amazing fun, great sex, and perfect kisses? How did I forget that finding the right relationship was so important to me that I needed to take it slow and be more discerning? Oh, self how could you do this to us? Arggh! I feel like such a fool. I’m too grown for this.

I guess it could have been worse. I guess it was fun and I guess I did end it at the right time. I did all I could.  I was vulnerable and honest. I was myself. I was open. I was giving.  All of the things a good woman is. I just wish it would have been enough. I wish that the guilt I feel could be replaced by the thrill I once felt. The fact of the matter is what’s done is done. Next time I’ll do it right and hopefully it’ll be with Mr. Right. This is the reason I have to begin to forgive myself right now.

How’d I Get Lost on An Open Road?

10 Mar

I keep telling myself this was inevitable and thought it’d be easy. Every week I threatened to end things and knew I was in control. Here I am now and I wonder how was I thinking then? How was I so sure, so resolved and so understanding of my decision? I was almost certain you weren’t the one but I was willing to be wrong and risk intimacy to be sure. I ask how did I get here if I knew where I was going? How did that happen? Ambiguity is such a peace killer. I don’t know what’s worse now, dealing with the anxieties I had then when I was in it knowing I needed to end it or dealing with the now, the fact that it can’t be but not exactly sure what.  Both offer a glimpse of possibility that maybe it can still work in the future, maybe the timing was just bad and maybe we just weren’t right for each other right then as you eluded to. But then again I’ve heard since then that you knew better than me that I’m not the one for you and that you knew this all along.  Yet and still you chose me in ways that were not becoming of my heart and affection toward you. Jokes on me I guess. I guess I was picking up on the wrong signals or did I only want to see the green lights inconsistently yielding to the caution I felt.I saw it. I knew it. I accepted it under the guise poor communication – the things you were more forthcoming about. I just can’t understand how I got here though. I guess I got just as lost as you did though. Caught up in the good and hoping for the best of the situation and building on expectations dismissing the signs of the discord and simply indulging in the joy. I guess I’m just as guilty as you then. However, I was a bit more honest, open and and willing to accept it as it emerged because of my compassion for you as an ordinary person and a person I enjoyed I couldn’t be so selfish. Well, thankfully I’ve been down this road before. It’s always been a winding one. For what it’s worth, I really do miss you and I’m not mad at you. I wish I had a good enough reason to turn back around. Even though it may not have been serious to you, it was to me. I usually drive this course safe but I took your word for it when you said you were “harmless”.  But now I remember that we like different courses, cars, and prefer different paces. Until I figure this out, I am optimistic that maybe one day our paths can merge again but on better terms. Or maybe this path will lead me to that one thing I’m looking for. True love.

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Therefore I’m Brave

8 Mar

Therefore I'm the Bravest....

Love Lessons: Your gut NEVER lies, instincts detect misalignment of intentions and poor integrity, believe in the good of all experiences, have compassion for others by letting go of your expectations of them especially those who are not self-fulfilled.

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