How’d I Get Lost on An Open Road?

10 Mar

I keep telling myself this was inevitable and thought it’d be easy. Every week I threatened to end things and knew I was in control. Here I am now and I wonder how was I thinking then? How was I so sure, so resolved and so understanding of my decision? I was almost certain you weren’t the one but I was willing to be wrong and risk intimacy to be sure. I ask how did I get here if I knew where I was going? How did that happen? Ambiguity is such a peace killer. I don’t know what’s worse now, dealing with the anxieties I had then when I was in it knowing I needed to end it or dealing with the now, the fact that it can’t be but not exactly sure what.  Both offer a glimpse of possibility that maybe it can still work in the future, maybe the timing was just bad and maybe we just weren’t right for each other right then as you eluded to. But then again I’ve heard since then that you knew better than me that I’m not the one for you and that you knew this all along.  Yet and still you chose me in ways that were not becoming of my heart and affection toward you. Jokes on me I guess. I guess I was picking up on the wrong signals or did I only want to see the green lights inconsistently yielding to the caution I felt.I saw it. I knew it. I accepted it under the guise poor communication – the things you were more forthcoming about. I just can’t understand how I got here though. I guess I got just as lost as you did though. Caught up in the good and hoping for the best of the situation and building on expectations dismissing the signs of the discord and simply indulging in the joy. I guess I’m just as guilty as you then. However, I was a bit more honest, open and and willing to accept it as it emerged because of my compassion for you as an ordinary person and a person I enjoyed I couldn’t be so selfish. Well, thankfully I’ve been down this road before. It’s always been a winding one. For what it’s worth, I really do miss you and I’m not mad at you. I wish I had a good enough reason to turn back around. Even though it may not have been serious to you, it was to me. I usually drive this course safe but I took your word for it when you said you were “harmless”.  But now I remember that we like different courses, cars, and prefer different paces. Until I figure this out, I am optimistic that maybe one day our paths can merge again but on better terms. Or maybe this path will lead me to that one thing I’m looking for. True love.

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