16 Mar

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in this love game is to get over your mistakes – what you did wrong in dating or loving someone. For me this is the part that has me stuck right now. While the guy I was dating wasn’t perfect or without fault, I have to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings. I am the one who allowed myself to fall and have such great expectations.  I am hard on myself when it comes to many things but nothing pisses myself off more than when I play around with my heart.

More recently, I just cannot believe I jumped head first into something and got distracted by the butterflies and the thrills of love/lust (still trying to sort it out what it was). I’m thinking I should not have made myself so available to someone. I should have ran at week three when I wrote that blog post. I should have acted on my intuitions more. Oh no, I was having too much fun. Fun lead me to even more mixed emotions. Trying to make sense of my feelings getting so lost in them I lost my sense of self  ultimately being disappointed. How could I let this happen after all the work I’ve done on myself? I just made so many mistakes. I should have never allowed my physical desires and emotions to define a dating relationship before I had a chance to. I should not have been so giving of my time. I was having too much fun. I was so excited to have found someone who I actually liked enough to tell my friends about and even consider being my boyfriend. I was so close and I fucked it up.

How did I not communicate clearly? I should have been more direct and asked more questions in the beginning. I should have gone slower. What the hell was I thinking? I thought I’d learned these lessons so long ago but apparently I’ve gotten a little rusty. How did I allow someone who I was so emotionally aloof and immature to distract me with amazing fun, great sex, and perfect kisses? How did I forget that finding the right relationship was so important to me that I needed to take it slow and be more discerning? Oh, self how could you do this to us? Arggh! I feel like such a fool. I’m too grown for this.

I guess it could have been worse. I guess it was fun and I guess I did end it at the right time. I did all I could.  I was vulnerable and honest. I was myself. I was open. I was giving.  All of the things a good woman is. I just wish it would have been enough. I wish that the guilt I feel could be replaced by the thrill I once felt. The fact of the matter is what’s done is done. Next time I’ll do it right and hopefully it’ll be with Mr. Right. This is the reason I have to begin to forgive myself right now.


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