Archive | May, 2013

I Like A Nice Guy, That’s My F*ckin Problem!

8 May

Have you ever prayed you could overlook a physical flaw a guy had? Not only for your own good but for him- so that you don’t have to turn him down? My friends would say that  I am probably the most strengths-based person when determining if a man is attractive or not or any person for that matter. I don’t care if you look like Flava Flav, I am going to find something attractive and beautiful about you and justify that you are not ugly. I just cannot call or classify a person as ugly! To me doing so represents a character flaw. Who are we as human beings to call a creation of God ugly? To me it implies superiority and judgment and in a world that is so focused on appearance I am not willing to be a part of  social construct that classifies people as such knowing that the judgment is followed by mistreatment. So with that deep stuff said, there’s a guy I’m dating that I just cannot accept that I may or may not be attracted to. I just can’t call it.

I’m praying to God I am physically attracted to him. He’s perfect! Soooooo nice, socially relatable, highly highly successful, generous, thoughtful, romantic, dark, fit, culturally diverse (i.e., he’s African), ready for commitment, established, courteous, adventurous, ambitious, a boss (works hard, is living his dreams and takes the f*ckin lead), and communicates well and readily. The prah’lem is his teeth! I don’t know if I can get past them. This is just not fair. Not fair in the fact that I like him so much and have such a great time and like being around him but when it comes to thinking about attraction, the chemistry begins to waiver when he smiles. It’s like I want to kiss him but his teeth won’t let me.

Why can’t I just like imperfect teeth, Lord? I love nice teeth, that’s my f*ckin problem! Or is it really the teeth? Is that just what I can see and the real incompatibility is less tangible and less visible? I don’t believe in forcing chemistry, changing people or accepting them for any less/other than they are – that’s not love but is it possible to grow attraction for someone? Do people grow to love flaws in a person who is otherwise so perfect? I haven’t ever had to think about this and I am really at a loss of what to do. My mind is so into this guy and I feel my heart could get there but my floral arrangement is going to need a bit of water and I am not sure if this is possible with him ;-). This has always been a given with me but I’m not sure how far my history can go with this because I have always had full force, intense, fast relationships which have more times than not amounted to nothing more than two people being so excited about the chemistry and physical only to realize we have fallen in love with the wrong person within each other. Maybe it’s too soon to call it but I don’t want to wait around and lead this guy on. He’s too good for that and my integrity won’t allow it. At the same time I don’t want to blow him off. And if I have the “we’re not a match” conversation with him doesn’t that make me a little superficial? Tossing out a perfect guy because his teeth ain’t quite right?!

I gotta get to the bottom of this especially before I except any more expensive dates. What’s a girl like me to do? Poor me, right? Who the hell have I become? A year ago I couldn’t handle the thought of dating again. Today I have to figure out what to do with a imperfectly perfect guy who just wants to make sure I had a great day and take me exclusive restaurants and I don’t know what to do with him. I’m BACCCCCKKK! lol Talk about First World problems. Anyway, can anyone relate? Give me some feedback. I feel like I know what I am going to do but just curious if others have had a similar experience. Are we too conditioned to the fairy tale of love and instant attraction or is it something that can evolve? Shouldn’t we care as much about attraction as we do character?

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Right Now

8 May

I’ve decided not to be so concerned about my dating life anymore. When I say concerned I mean not being preoccupied about when or how I am going to meet the right guy, that I’m doing this dating thing right and going in the right direction, not feeling like I am not progressing in the romantic part of my life, and not worrying about how I can creatively respond to people when they questions me with “You’re single?!” or “You’re not engaged yet ..or anything?”. Right now I am just enjoying dating again and I have decided to honor that.

I accept that some people don’t get me and may even perceive there being something odd about my chronically single self. I accept that right now I am dating a variety of different and great men but that none of them may work out for me (smh). I accept that I have to take my time with them slow and allow things to evolve. I accept that I am going to have to be a little more patient with this process and with the men I date. I accept that I have to be patient if I want something worthwhile. This is a phase of my life that took me a century long time to get to.I accept that this was the journey I took and I can’t get the time back. The more I date, the more I am comfortable with this part of my life surprisingly and just really un-f*ckin-concerned about the outcome and how each date goes. This whole things is a risk-free trial as far as I am concerned. I am less concerned about having another bad experience or vulnerability and more trusting of myself to make the right decision when or if this things happen. Who knew I’d ever get to this space?

Right now I am loving this idea of dating as a risky and undetermined process. In the past I have been more of a control freak than I’ve been willing to admit to myself and nowhere else have I been more challenged by my sense of control than in my search for love. Usually, I just want to get to the good stuff  with a guy (i.e., romance, sex, and commitment) thinking I am in control of the emotional exchanges not honoring the fact that there is nothing I can do to ensure these gifts from someone else besides receive them. In other words, the more I focus on the person type of person I want to be with and share my love and life with the less I am concerned/impatient with when and how I am going to receive them. The more I love myself, the less impatient I am. Everything I want is inside of me and for right now that’s my only focus.

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