Right Now

8 May

I’ve decided not to be so concerned about my dating life anymore. When I say concerned I mean not being preoccupied about when or how I am going to meet the right guy, that I’m doing this dating thing right and going in the right direction, not feeling like I am not progressing in the romantic part of my life, and not worrying about how I can creatively respond to people when they questions me with “You’re single?!” or “You’re not engaged yet ..or anything?”. Right now I am just enjoying dating again and I have decided to honor that.

I accept that some people don’t get me and may even perceive there being something odd about my chronically single self. I accept that right now I am dating a variety of different and great men but that none of them may work out for me (smh). I accept that I have to take my time with them slow and allow things to evolve. I accept that I am going to have to be a little more patient with this process and with the men I date. I accept that I have to be patient if I want something worthwhile. This is a phase of my life that took me a century long time to get to.I accept that this was the journey I took and I can’t get the time back. The more I date, the more I am comfortable with this part of my life surprisingly and just really un-f*ckin-concerned about the outcome and how each date goes. This whole things is a risk-free trial as far as I am concerned. I am less concerned about having another bad experience or vulnerability and more trusting of myself to make the right decision when or if this things happen. Who knew I’d ever get to this space?

Right now I am loving this idea of dating as a risky and undetermined process. In the past I have been more of a control freak than I’ve been willing to admit to myself and nowhere else have I been more challenged by my sense of control than in my search for love. Usually, I just want to get to the good stuff  with a guy (i.e., romance, sex, and commitment) thinking I am in control of the emotional exchanges not honoring the fact that there is nothing I can do to ensure these gifts from someone else besides receive them. In other words, the more I focus on the person type of person I want to be with and share my love and life with the less I am concerned/impatient with when and how I am going to receive them. The more I love myself, the less impatient I am. Everything I want is inside of me and for right now that’s my only focus.

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