Archive | September, 2013

Chest Hair & Chanel

28 Sep

This blog post should not be used against me. I am only human and when a former love interest finds his selfish way back in my heart, I become vulnerable and damn near mentally unstable. Why can’t the men I date just be mature, thoughtful and communicate readily? I won’t be attempting to answer these questions but I will try to tame my heart and mind. Remember the guy I fell in like with last year for the first time in like for ever? Well if you read my blog posts from earlier this year, you can see that my heart got completely broken. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming but it was still difficult. I learned a lot and picked myself right up and looked on to bigger and better real men.

So here I am just minding my own business and he comes waltzing back in, in his feelings of missing me (the obvious) and feeling guilty with a series of 5 am phone calls and I miss you texts all to no real end- something like an alcohol-induced Afropolitan version of Drake, “Take Care”. Most recently, this past Saturday he had another drunk Drizzy moment and I called him back this time. He finally apologized for the BS he pulled over the summer (i.e., standing me up on a date he suggested and never apologizing or responding in anyway) claiming he was afraid of hurting me and had gotten ahead of himself and decided not to communicate. This lead to a 2.5 hour conversation reminiscing on our bad romance, where things went wrong, the “breakup”, how we wished things would have been different and catching up on each other’s lives. Ultimately the conversation ended with us saying we still had feelings for each other and missed each other and him suggesting that I let him take me out for dinner and me saying I’d think about it.

Now, I know this sounds like a healthy experience, right? Immediately after I felt instant gratification, excitement and butterflies just thinking about cuddling his chest hair, basking in the scent of his Chanel cologne and sharing a fabulous dinner followed by our usual comedy session and all of his sweet affection. This sweet dream was all abruptly intruded by anxiety, pain, and confusion. What did all that just mean? Why did I entertain that conversation with someone who has persistently ignored my feelings and fell short of what I deserve in a man and friend? What do I do now that the ball is in my court? Why did I care? What does he really want from me? Is he still trying to create a relationship with me only to put it on hold when he wants? Why do I still have these deep feelings and fantasies – it’s been nearly 7 months! Why is he still coming around?

Nearly a week later, I’ve lost sleep and time in conversations about him with friends. Why? It’s just a guy! An immature, commitment-phobic, replaceable guy that I just happen to be crazy about. Why Lord? What do you want me to learn from this? why put me through this? Wait, I guess I’m putting myself through this!? Just, take me to the King, Lord and to my king while you’re at it. Or make this one my king. While a part of me wishes I could just indulge and be done, the depth of my feelings and maturity aren’t content with a little chest hair and magnetic cologne, resistant to the idea of another bad romance. UGH!

Maybe, I’ll just keep him waiting like he did me. Maybe, I should just follow-up and say just what I’ve said in an attempt to get back on track to moving on, “I miss you and would love to spend time with you but I my feelings are too deep and my heart can’t take the insecurity of not knowing whether you’ll be here for me longer than the traces of the scent of your cologne will.”

%d bloggers like this: