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Therefore I’m Brave

8 Mar

Therefore I'm the Bravest....

Love Lessons: Your gut NEVER lies, instincts detect misalignment of intentions and poor integrity, believe in the good of all experiences, have compassion for others by letting go of your expectations of them especially those who are not self-fulfilled.

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Protected: “You Just Cancelled Every Other Man Here”

27 Jan

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2012 In Love

31 Dec

As I’m sitting here getting a blowout while simultaneously waiting for a major love interest to text me back and deciding on a Plan B with a minor love interest, I can’t help but reflect on my love life. With only six and a half hours left of 2012, I have to admit that I wish I’d done more with my love life this year. I wish I’d experienced more romance. I feel like this is yet another year without having received the love I deserve.  I’m sitting here hoping he’ll ask me to spend New Year’s with him while rejecting the invites from another would-be lucky guy. I just deserve more than a hope or a wish; I know that. I’m just not there yet though but I can feel that 2013 will bring more.

This year, I was challenged to dismiss the perceptions I had about the men I attract and those I didn’t attract. I overcame all the boundaries about what I was capable of finding/attracting in a man that had previously left me scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve always had high expectations for men to meet my needs and wants but in 2012 I think I really stuck to them and for it I am grateful however disappointing the outcome may have been. I’ve become less afraid of letting go but at the same time less dismissive of men who f*ck up a little! I’m a Libra, but I guess I’m getting this balance thing down.

I’ve also realized that no matter how high or low my expectations there will always be the risk of disappointment. Whether I’m dating a lawyer or a security guard, my quest for true love and compatibility will always be a challenging one. I however have accepted that I am more compatible with men who have the similar levels of education/career as me. I had previously dismissed this key indicator of relationship success as important but now I don’t feel as guilty turning down a guy who is not as socially mobile as I am (Yuck, I hate the sound of that. May have to reconsider this concept). I mean as long as he is self-sufficient, can buy me gifts, and passionate about what he does who cares…I guess.

While love in 2012 has not been totally ideal for me, I have to remain optimistic that I will find it and that I can handle any disappointment in the pursuit. I will not give up yet. Happy New Year! Happy New Love!

Drunk on Lust

10 Dec

Every now and then I visit my own blog to write, reflect, swoon, clarify and vent. Tonight I am going to do all of the above. You’re in for a real treat.

You see, I am finally dating again, like seriously dating. Not just taking it as it comes as I was doing last year in an effort to get my feet wet. The past few months I have been going out and GOING IN on this dating life. As the odds would have it I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*swoons* and *smiles*). Here is where shit gets real though. I met someone I really, really like for the first time in 4 years (*pulls hair* and *phones a friend*) which means I’m questioning, analyzing, screaming, thinking and driving myself nuts about where this is going – why hasn’t he called/texted me, what did he mean when he said “I’ll see you”, why didn’t he do xyz”. Ummmm, how the hell did I get here? Last time I remember I was single, dating and sane. My emotions are on steroids and bath salts in this muthaf*ck* dealing with this dude. I can’t even handle me right now. Like, I thought I knew how to handle liking a man and being a grown ass woman but apparently I’m not about this dating and love life.

All of a sudden it’s like my worst fears also known as baggage (although informative) are coming to the forefront. While this guy has been fun so far in the last 3 weeks we’ve been dating, :-/I’m not entirely convinced he is ready for commitment and is able to give what I need as a boyfriend (this matters because I do want a relationship), my sixth sense is alarmed and I’m getting mixed signals which ultimately means I can’t be so wrapped up and invested but….I am. Checking my phone for his texts, checking BBM for instant messages and status updates, wondering if he’s thinking of me, looking for some sort of social cue to take advantage of, wondering why he isn’t texting as much as he did last week or the week before, deciding whether or not to text him (ultimately deciding not to because I DO NOT CHASE MEN). Ugh! I hate this shit but I like him so much. My gut is saying this is not going to work – “it’s too new”, “he’s too much like right”, “he’s not doing this”, “but he said that”, “remember this is the same thing that happened last time”, “if you have to question his intentions then it’s not right”, “you gave it up too soon”, “he’s obviously losing interest”, “trust your instincts”. Basically, this new romance has me losing my mind. I feel like Whitney Houston singing how will I know except I’m on the verge of an ugly cry while singing unlike her………….

But he’s so sweet, so appealing, so sexy, so affectionate, so gets my sense of humor, so established, so funny, so likeable. I guess I need to  keep it real and admit that at the end of the day all of my expectations are not being met so that’s what’s most important and I have to remember that and get over of the ever so enjoyable vibing, cuddling, wining, dining, kissing, touching, laughing, discussing, gazing and conversing. I’ve worked too hard and waited too long to find love to allow my emotions to spoil my heart. If only I could numb my heart and mind until this story ends. Pray for me peace of mind, and an unscathed heart in the days and weeks to follow. I sure wish I had a shot of him or of tequila right now. Either would do.

Inappropriate Texts and Other Isht

28 Nov

I’m wondering how in the hell do you handle an inappropriate sexual jokes via text from a guy you actually like. I know some of you may had the same situation when guys ask for photos? We all know what happened to phone sex guy, Mr. Worst Date Ever, and Hey Sexy Dude but maybe I could have handled those differently and been less dismissive…well not for worst date ever guy. One the one hand I have personal boundaries and respect that a new guy has violated by sending such a thing which is a red flag to me but on the other I  like this new guy and think he’s funny and don’t want to be too uptight. How do I let him know he’s gone too far without totally cutting him down?

Here are my responses I might consider:

1.) Ignore it and dismiss this dude. #redflag

2.) Ignore it and tell him I didn’t get it if he asks.

3.) Oblige, laugh it off and hope he doesn’t do it again and when he does then cut him off. #passive aggressive #hellno

4.) Communicate to him that he’s a perv and I don’t do pervs.

5.) Through him off and say something like, “Yo mama!”. #deflect

6.) Pretend it didn’t bother me but keep it in me mind to bring up next time he does something similar. Nahhh

7.) Lecture him about his misogynistic ways and hopes he apologizes and will realize what a total jerk he is and does everything in his power to prove me otherwise.

8.) Send him one back…nah too soon

9.) Simply replying LOL and SMH. This way he knows I’m laughing with him but disapproving at the same time.

10.) Well, I guess I could tell him that it made me uncomfortable and that I’m old-fashioned and don’t like to receive messages like that until I get to know him better.

Protected: Dating From My Therapist’s Chair

12 Nov

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Protected: The Gift of Illness

10 Nov

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30 B4 30

1 Nov

So I have about 11.5 months before the big 3-0. I am kinda excited. I feel that I have spent so much of my 20s lost in this world and I cannot wait for this ish to be over. Bad finances, poor decisions, self-loathing, rigid self constructs, confusing therapy sessions, family issues, lack of gratitude, lack of consciousness, poor self image, laziness, lack of discipline, unworthy men, lack of loyalty in friendships, bad friends….the list goes on. I have learned so much from my 20s and kicked ass in many ways but I cannot wait for the the next chapter where I plan to actually slow down and enjoy life and implement what I’ve learned. I am so grateful for my life and health but I know that there is SO much more to come that is going to blow my mind. In the meantime and in between time I want to come up with 30 things I’ve either always wanted to do or should do before 30. I did a lot in my 20s but a lot was left untouched. I don’t have it all figured out but I figure this will be a working living list before October 2013. Here is what’s on the agenda so far:

1. Pay off my credit card debt

2. Fall in love again

3. To visit a caribbean island or to get another passport stamp

4. Make amends with Steven S.

5. Start my business by having at least one business client

6. Go to Mardi Gras or Carnival

7. Visit Moiyattu in Ghana- ok this is getting unrealistic

8. Get another raise

9. Take spanish class at CC

10.Take swim lessions

11. Take a road trip

12. Bake my mom’s pound cake from scratch

13. Get a fun piercing

14. Teach/Host another dance class

15. Accept or change my body

16.

“Either Pray or Worry”: 6 Ridiculous Things I Worry About

19 Jun

Last Sunday 50 Cent was interviewed on Oprah’s Next Chapter. I loved the interview mainly because I can’t resist 50 Cent’s charm but also because he said something simply profound that resonated with me, “Either pray or worry; don’t do both.” When he said this, it resonated with me not because it was the first time I’ve heard someone say, “don’t pray and worry”, but because he so convincingly portrayed the idea of praying and worrying at the same time about something in life as ridiculous. The more I thought about it, I realized how I not only ridiculously pray and worry at the same time but some of the things I worry about are so inherently ridiculous to begin with. I could go into this deep, enlightening post about a time I spent ruminating over my fears and ultimately learned that my worry failed to affect anything positive. Instead I am going to expose all the nonsensical things I worry about that should not occupy my mental depth or time. Either you will relate or think I’m completely crazy. In return, I hope this helps you somehow. Here are the really ridiculous things I worry about as a 20-something woman.

1. Having saggy boobs- Seriously, my breasts are perfect. I am sure of it! There is nothing that would disappoint me more if I woke up and they were flat and hanging down to my knees. To this end I sometimes sleep in bras. I get worried if I do more than 10 jumping jack at a time and on obsessive impulsive occassions, I can be found Googling if breastfeeding my unconceived child will cause sagging in the future and taking notes on how to avoid such a tragedy.

2. Tripping, falling, and losing my two front teeth. Don’t even ask me why this is at the forefront of my mind. Maybe it’s because my mother had her two front teeth knocked out by a swinging fence when she was  a kid. I’d have to say that for whatever sick reason this is one of my top fears. Everytime I approach a staircase or walk over an icy patch I think to myself, be careful or be snaggle-toothed.

3. Running into my exes while looking a hot firey mess. Kimora Lee Simmons said it best, “Always dress like you’re going to see your worst enemy.” I so believe in this concept that being better is the best revenge but let’s keep it real. From time to time I can be found out and about looking subpar on the occasional grocery shopping trip or stop at the gas station. The absolute worst thing that could happen to me is that one of my exes will pull up next  to me at pump number 7 and catch me without my “Money Green” eyeshadow on. (<–see what I did there?). I’ve had way too many dreams about running into an ex while I’m not looking on point. Mind you, my exes all live in Texas (like I’ George Strait 😉 <–see what I did there?) and I live in NYC…….

4. How I’ll Wear My Hair on My Wedding Day. Who says you have to be engaged or even dating to start thinking about this sort of thing? Hair is such a big deal to me that I NEED to be planning my hair now even in the absence of a boyfriend or marriage proposal. I mean, I could get a weave but then I wouldn’t be 100% real on my special day. The other option would be to rock a natural updo of some sort but at the risk of it turning into a fro and I plan on having an outdoor Fall wedding so, I’m not sure what I’m going to do and it really worries me that I could really end up looking a mess if I don’t figure this out.

5. Beyonce and Kim Kardashian will become best friends. Listen, Kim is the ultimate opportunist. She’s taken full advantage of every relationship she has had (although I can’t knock her hustle entirely) and her new relationship with Kanye leads me to believe it’s only a matter of time before she tries to ease her way up to Queen Bey’s throne. Let me find out she and Kanye are double-dating with Bey and Jay. I will straight lose my mind. I lie awake at night thinking of all the mean Tweets I’ll send to Kim K. as we speak. I worry that her and Beyonce are going to start having brunch together and that if Kimye gets married, Kim K. will be Blue Ivy’s play Auntie and I just can’t handle the thought of it. What will I do?

6. Dying single- This is kinda unlikely and ridiculous, right? I mean, I at least have a chance of being in a crappy relationship of some sort. I mean, how likely is it really that I will never find true love? What are the chances that I will die completely single? I think the odds are in my favor so let’s not be ridiculous, self! If worse comes to worse I could always move to Atlanta, start hanging out with washed up music producers, have a baby by one, and get played to the left as he dates a stripper with a speech impediment, right? No need to worry about it then.

So I guess I’ll just keep praying my boobs stay perky, that I’ll actually meet the man of my dreams, that Beyonce will reject Kim’s brunch invite, that my wedding day hairdo will fall into place, that my ex and I will never cross paths in NYC, and that my teeth will never meet concrete instead of worrying so much. YOLO!  Thank you to my future husband, Curtis Jackson and Oprah for such wisdom.

So tell me what are some ridiculous things you worry about?

I Caught Myself Growing

18 May

As you can see I have resigned to the idea of blogging about my journey to his and her sinks on a regular basis. I want my sentiments to be shared from an authentic and inspiring place and the only way that can happen for me in this forum, is through spontaneity. Basically, I can only write it when I really feel it. Tonight is one of those nights. I am catching up on my DVR recordings and in watching my new favorite show on Lifetime (I’m such a f*ckin woman, right), The Conversation I caught myself in the act of personal growth. One of the questions asked on the show was would you want to be your own friend. I immediately answered to myself, “F*ck Yeah!”! Then my very next thought was, “Really, Ashleigh? You would? I didn’t know that about you!” If  I or anyone else had asked me this question a year ago, I would have had a slightly different  and indifferent response like, “maybe” or “under what circumstances?” I just witnessed my mind and self-truth shift  in a milli-second and noticed that I have truly evolved since I last took inventory of my self worth, but it was not until this very moment that I questioned it that I actually activated my own growth. You see, for the past year, I have really had to work on my sense of self and was in a much more desperate place a year ago. I doubted my very own worth and was challenged with feeling like I could ever feel some resolve about who I wanted to be and didn’t even feel up to the task of being enough of myself. Now, I am so far ahead of that, thank the Lawd!

I didn’t realize until now how this even happened but it’s a credit to the fact that I have had to become a more open and accepting woman. It has taken me having some fierce conversations with friends and revealing truths about myself that I thought I never had the gumption to confess. I pushed myself and was forced in many ways (due to a health scare) to do so and for it, I have realized that as soon as I was willing to be imperfect and realize that I am without a doubt imperfect, I arrive at my worth. This alone qualifies me worthy. Without flaws I really have no way of knowing how well I am doing or who I can be. But in knowing that I am not perfect, I am forced to uncover and qualify what in fact I am worth. I now know that I am worthy because despite everything I am not, I still am. For that reason, I’d definitely want to be my own friend. I’d definitely want to be my own wife. I’d definitely want to be my own mother.

As I continue to pursue my journey towards the things that I want most, I proclaim that I am worthy of all of these things which inevitably means that I will have them one day without a shadow of a doubt. Five minutes ago I didn’t know this about myself but I am so grateful that I caught myself growing and that I could share this precious moment with you. There’s no turning back now.

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